swimming sperm (400 x 400)

I can’t resist recycling this one given the recent swirl of on- and off-line conversations and rants about abortion, the personhood movement, and sexual assault stimulated not only by Todd Akin’s ridiculous comments about “legitimate rape,” but also because of Paul Ryan’s ascent to Vice President in the running. Ryan is a co-sponsor of H.R. 212: the “Sanctity of Human Life Act,” which gives “all the legal and constitutional attributes of personhood” — to fertilized eggs.

The Personhood Movement wants to legislate that a fertilized egg is a person – with rights equivalent to those of a fully born baby. OK, fine, but what about all of those eggs that go to waste with every menstrual cycle or all the sperm needlessly sacrificed with every ejaculate that does not result in penetration of an egg.

Hey, these eggs and sperm are at the very least, half-persons, potential persons or pre-persons, no? Don’t they have any rights? Why should the Personhood Movement arbitrarily require the sperm to meet the egg in order for the DNA of the precursor humans to be considered special? Who drew that line in the sand? Isn’t every sperm sacred?

personhood movement
Screenshot from Monty Python Movie: Every Sperm is Sacred (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4mGrNGuJTM

If we are going to require that every fertilized egg, even those stored in in vitro fertilization clinics or so defective that they are miscarried, be considered persons, then I want all pre-persons to be treated with equal respect. After all, each and every one of them could become a human just like each and every fertilized egg could become a baby.  Hey, Personhood advocates, show some respect for all that amazing DNA that is so frivolously going to waste.

Going upstream

I suggest we amend the Personhood legislation to go “upstream” so to speak and require all humans to ensure that pre-persons have the same chance to become a full person as fertilized eggs. That means no more monthly ovulation if it won’t result in conception.  And, no more ejaculation that doesn’t have a chance to produce a human. Period. End of story.

Now, this should be easy for the eggs. Oral contraceptives prevent ovulation. So let’s get all girls on to birth control pills at the moment of menarche. Alternatively, girls could all be married on the day of their first menstruation and could start producing humans immediately.The sperm issue is a bit more problematic. But we could mandate that no male can have sexual relations leading to ejaculation unless it is with a female he believes would be a good mother to his potential person(s). Of course, that means no pre-marital sex, no sex outside of one’s marriage, no masturbation, and no nocturnal emissions (“wet dreams”).  I am not sure how to prevent the latter, but there must be a drug of some sort that would do the trick.

Expanding the Personhood Legislation to include sperm and eggs would solve all sorts of societal problems – there would be no more affairs, no more illicit sex, no more self-stimulation, and no more dirty dreaming. All activities that lead to person or pre-person demise would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Failure to do so would be considered discrimination, right? And we don’t want that, do we? Men who ejaculate without the intent of producing a person would be punished in the same way as women who have an abortion, a miscarriage, or produce an egg without the opportunity to get it fertilized. This would be fair and square, no? I am really warming up to this idea.

Slogans for the Movement

And, just as the Personhood Movement has slogans, such as “Conceived in Rape,” the Pre-person Movement could have their own mantras:

  • DNA is the Way to Personhood – Save our Sperm
  • An egg is a terrible thing to waste
  • Hands off – semen is sacred
  • Hey, hey DNA, how many kids did you produce today?

Ok, so I am getting a bit corny. And I am sure I have royally p..ssed off some readers out there. But really, gang, I think that expanding the Personhood Movement to include Pre-Personhood is simply a brilliant idea that could result in optimal, if not perfect, human behavior. So, let’s all join hands in an effort to protect life both before and after conception. It is, after all, only fair that all DNA has a chance to be born.

Just in case you don’t understand the REAL AGENDA of the Personhood Movement, take a look at what this YOUNG GUY says about Birth Control Pills as Abortifacients:

personhood movement
Screenshot from YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z96eKLwnJ2s

Way to go, guys, no-fault ejaculation but pro-life rhetoric.


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