Sad woman with partner in background (sexless marriage)
The lack of intimacy related to a sexless marriage can be painful and frustrating. (Photo source: iStock)

There are various definitions of a sexless marriage. Some experts say that it occurs when spouses have not been intimate within a 6 to 12-month period. Others say it is having sex with your partner less than 10 times a year. Whatever the definition, it is clear that “sexless” marriage is a problem when one or both spouses are dissatisfied with the frequency of sexual relations.

This article will explore the dynamics of a sexless marriage and examine how sexless marriage can take a toll on you.

How common is sexless marriage?

Although there is a relative paucity of studies on the topic, a frequently quoted one is described in a 2009 article in the New York Times [1] titled When Sex Leaves a Marriage. The author of the story interviewed Denise A. Donnelly, who was an associate professor at Georgia State University. Her studies suggest that sexless marriage, defined as not having sex in the prior 6-months to one year, occurs in about 15 percent of married couples.

What are the causes of marriages without sex?

There are many reasons why marriages become sexless. Sometimes, couples had relatively little sex since the beginning of the relationship. Or they got into the habit of not having regular sex.

  • Life events

Other times, life events intervene, making it harder to find the time or the inclination to be intimate. Some examples include:

      • having a baby
      • constraints related to raising children 
      • having a demanding job or incompatible work schedules
      • excessive stress
      • having a midlife crisis or having an affair
      • pornography addiction
      • a change in physical attractiveness causes a partner to lose interest in sex
      • one or both partners are angry with each other and fight a lot
      • Or, they have fallen out of love with each other
  • Low or no sex drive

Sometimes one or both partners has a low sex drive or may even be asexual. Other times, one or both partners have negative associations with sex (they think it is somehow “dirty” or believe it should only be used for procreation). [1]

  • Health issues

Health issues can also play a role by causing a loss of desire for sex (libido) or a physical inability to participate (e.g., inability to get an erection, vaginal conditions that make intercourse extremely painful).

Consultation with a physician in the field and/or a marriage counselor experienced in dealing with sexual issues or a certified sex therapist may help shed light on the causes.

What are the consequences of a sexless marriage?

So what happens to your marriage when you and your spouse are no longer being intimate together? Although intimacy in marriage helps to bond couples, both partners are sometimes perfectly happy that part of their relationship fades away. 

However, often one or both partners are unhappy with the situation. They want to rekindle the sexual relationship and enjoy the bond of physical intimacy with their partner. This can lead to a variety of emotions, including, among other things:

  • frustration
  • anger
  • sadness and depression
  • embarrassment
  • suspicion
  • temptation to cheat

 No matter how it manifests, a lack of intimacy can be painful and frustrating both mentally and physically. 

5 ways a sexless marriage can affect you

Here are 5 ways a sexless marriage can affect your mental health and your relationship, along with advice on what to do when you and your spouse are no longer intimate together.

1. Temptations rise

It goes without saying that you are missing out on an important bond when you are not intimate with your partner. Your emotional and physical needs are not being met. This can cause you to question your commitment to fidelity.

When your partner no longer wants to be intimate with you, it can make you feel incredibly lonely and depressed. This leaves you vulnerable to having an extramarital affair. Of course, this will complicate your marriage and likely hurt all parties involved.

2. Reduces emotional intimacy

In a sample study done by the Flourishing Families Project, 355 couples discussed the impact of emotional and sexual intimacy on relationship satisfaction. The results showed that a satisfying sex life significantly predicted heightened emotional intimacy between partners.

Emotional intimacy is vital to your relationship. It bonds you as a couple and makes sex more enjoyable. It even contributes to the success of your marital friendship. It’s what encourages you to be close with your spouse and share things with him.

When physical intimacy is lacking, your emotional connection will suffer.

3. Destroys trust

The oxytocin released during physical moments – especially after orgasm – has been shown to increase trust between partners. This is important since trust is what helps us feel connected to our spouses. It allows us to feel comfortable and safe in our relationships.

The relationship between trust and intimacy makes sense when you consider that during sex you are giving your partner the freedom and consent to explore your body and pleasure you. It is a deeply personal experience that you share with your partner. When this experience is lacking, your trust in your spouse may wane.


If your spouse has lost interest in sex, you may also start to question their loyalty to you. You may wonder if they are uninterested in maintaining a healthy sex life with you because they are pursuing their desires with someone else. Such thinking can damage a marriage.

4. It ruins your self-esteem

When you are intimate with your spouse, you feel amazing. You feel sexy and desired by your partner. This gives you a pleasant ego boost. However, when such intimacy is lacking, it may cause your self-esteem to plummet. You may start to think that you are ugly, undesirable, or that your spouse is no longer attracted to you. This can cause your mental health to suffer.

Questioning your self-worth can trigger depression. 

Once depressed, you will begin to feel unmotivated, helpless, will lose interest in activities, may begin to dislike yourself, feel fatigued, irritable, and you may even start choosing reckless behavior.

5. It’s embarrassing

You’re out with your friends, and someone pulls up a ‘How Wild is Your Sex Life?’ quiz as a silly joke. Everyone begins discussing their hottest encounters or relaying stories about sneaking in an intimate moment while the kids were out. You’re just left there to dread the round-table discussion coming your way. 

Not having a healthy sex life with your partner hurts. Since research proves that sex makes you feel socially included, the reality of your intimate life can be embarrassing. This is true even if nobody knows what is going on behind closed doors. 

You may start to wonder what is wrong with your spouse. You may start to think that your relationship is not normal, especially if your husband has lost interest in sex.

What to do when you’re in a sexless marriage

Being in a happy sexless marriage can be equally, if not more frustrating than being in an unhappy relationship. If you and your spouse are wildly in love and prioritize spending time together as an important part of your relationship, why aren’t you connecting on a sexual level?

Whether you get along or not, it’s important to get to the root of the problems in your sex life. Here are two simple ways you can start to take control of your marriage and your mental health.

  • Communication is the backbone of any strong marriage. Studies show that sexual communication is positively correlated with relationship quality and satisfying sex life.  Couples must learn how to talk about what is bothering them to grow and strengthen their relationship. 
  •  Get help. Not everyone is comfortable sharing the ins and outs of their lives with a stranger, but therapy can be beneficial. Whether you’re attending with your spouse or solo, a counselor can help you understand what’s going on in your relationship. 

Related Content:  6 Ways to Enhance Female Sexuality While Aging

There are also online marriage courses available to teach couples how to strengthen intimacy, boost communication, and enhance empathy.

Not sharing a sex life with the person you vowed to spend forever can be a sad and frustrating experience – but it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

Communicate openly with your spouse about the problems you’re having. Marital therapy, working out together, and spending quality time together can boost your physical and emotional intimacy. 


  1.  Parker-Pope T. When Sex Leaves the Marriage, 2009, June 3, The New York Times.

Published Aug. 21, 2019. Updated and republished 1/17, 2021

Sylvia Smith

Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples in therapy. She has been affiliated with, a reliable resource assisting millions of couples to resolve their marital issues, for almost a decade. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support, and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage.

She is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt its principles in their relationships. By taking purposeful and intentional action, Sylvia feels any relationship or marriage can be transformed and truly enjoyed.

She frequently writes about relationships and how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. Some of her recent publications include:

      • Is Sexless Marriage Causing Depression? Here's What to Do
      • How Important is Sex for a Man
      • Sensuality vs. Sexuality - What’s the Difference and How To Be More Sensual
      • 12 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over

Sylvia holds a Master’s Degree in Arts (Clinical Psychology with an Emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy).


  1. I spent many years not understanding why I could function sexually is a short term (a few weeks) relationship with a woman but would lose sexual desire and my ability to perform once any relationship started to get serious. When I was single this wasn’t that big a deal and I always thought I was just easily sexually bored so I would simply end the relationship and move on to another. It was when, in my 40’s that I finally married that this problem became a serious threat to the marriage. My wife and I went to therapy with a few different people over the years but no one was able to help. One said she thought I was suffering from intimacy anxiety due to a dismissive avoidant attachment disorder but even this diagnosis didn’t help. My wife and I are good friends and I appreciate that fact that she decided to stay on in the marriage.

  2. Hi my name isn’t “paul” but let’s just say ok. My wife is the coolest person I know. Smart, kind, and tender hearted. We got married when I was 31 and a she was 25. After she had our first kid she said she wanted a house. So I found one. Then she said she wanted to stay at home to raise him. So I started working crazy hours 70-80 plus hours for overtime. Still after our 2nd son was born even with the hours i worked we lived paycheck to paycheck. This was in the 2000-2015 era. My checks were 15- 1700 take home every week. The only thing i got was maybe sex on Sunday night after the kids were asleep. Then as i realized the only thing i was getting for all the hours i was working was possible sex 1 day a week. It was all I could think of. So I got mad when she would say while she was playing games online, I suppose you want to have sex tonight. Fine but hurry up I’m tired. Then after a while she started saying no. I then said wait a minute. I’m working 70-80 hours a week and I cant have sex. What the heck. Then one night as we we getting ready for 15 minutes of sex she started complaining that all I wanted was sex. I say the hell with this. Got up and 15 years or so have gone by with no sex. Funny thing. Wife told me she was pregnant with first kid on Father’s Day. Second kid was born on Father’s Day. Last night of sex.. yep fathers day. For years she yelled at my boys telling them I was a crappy dad. All the while I worked ridiculous hours at the factory. Didn’t find out till boys were 20 plus years that they resented their mom for the bs. She tried kicking them out 10- 15 times. But no one ever told me. I still love my wife and always stick up for her when my boys complain about their crappy childhood. I tell them mom loves them even though it doesn’t seem like she does. I still love my wife. But alas.. no sex. Is there anything I can do?

  3. I understand what everyone on this site is going thru. I am also in a pretty much sexless marriage of 32 years. My wife has been in menopause for the last 11 years and has had no interest in sex. I love her with all my heart and soul, she is my soul mate. She has certain issues that most women have with the menopause comes with that part of a woman’s life. We have had an exciting most of the time sex life before the menopause. As far as the before sex i have always made sure she gets off at least 2-3 times for we actually have sex. Many times in the past I have satisfied her and she has done the roll over and go to sleep leaving me needing relief. I know i have a high sex drive and always have at most times in my life, I understand that. I do a good job at helping around the house as far as cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, doing yard work around 6-700 hrs of overtime each year to make sure that my wife and kids could have most the things they needed and wanted. I have pretty much never told her there was anything she couldnt have. She has also always been pretty conservative on spending money, so most of the time when i knew she wanted something I would go ahead and get it for her. I know I have spoiled her but she has also had a rough life full of hurt from family in her past. She is very sensitive and caring for others and for our family. She has always had a low self esteem even though everyone says how pretty and beautiful she is. I have always told her how beautiful and sexy I think she is at least 10 times a day to make sure she knows this. Also telling her at least 10-15 times a day how much I love her, I never want her to fell unloved or not sexy. I have bought her 2 sets of breast implants because she thought that makes her feel better about herself. We did the liposuction twice because she didnt like some of her areas. She does work out and try to eat right most of the time. I work out roughly and 4-5 times a week and always have I stay in good shape year round and get compliments. She works out with me now since I retired and enjoys it. We spend lots of time together but she just isnt interested in having sex or being intimate. I buy her sexy clothes and tell her how sexy she is. I am the one who does the initiating of sex or touching to be intimate. I have offered to just be satisfied with a handjob or oral stimulation since she says penetration hurts at times. She uses the excuse too tired, not thinking about sex, not in the mood, it just feels weird to do that right now. I have offered to just get her off hoping to get the mood right for her first. She always say its great when we have sex or do get each other off manually. We maybe have sex once every other month once she gets drunk or really buzzed and that is the only way it happens if it does. I ve talked to her about how I feel and how it is causing arguments for us now and we never have argued about hardly anything. Very few close female friends of ours know of how she is and say they would give anything to have someone as caring and compassionate as i am towards their spouse. I m not a sissy by any means and am known in our group as the protector. But feel very lonely, unhappy sexually, needing that physical touch and intimate relationship. Not sure what else to do. If I bring it up she says that i m too easy if she wants it i would jump at it. Or she says she wants to do it when she feels it, but that never happens either. Struggling !!!!!!

    • BS – I understand what you are going through. Instead of trying to address the personal Hell you are going through, I will share the story of my own – maybe that way we can better understand each others misery. My f***ing wife cannot see past her own selfishness to at least make me feel like she is somehow is attracted to me in way, shape, or form. The only time I get ANY * acknowledgment* (not to be confused with “satisfaction”) in regards to my f***ing piss-poor excuse for an unsatisfying sex life is if I mention something to her *first.* She NEVER takes the initiative, never considers my feelings. I have provided her a living way beyond any she is able to secure for herself, and yet I feel like I am just an end to a means. There is nothing intimate to our relationship. It is almost a Hell I wish would end since there is nothing better in sight.

  4. Hi there Guys.
    A lot of hurt is going around here. But also a lot of love.
    A lot of us are feeling lonely and yearning for intimacy, closeness, touch, and yes sex.
    Married 11 years to a beautiful woman with a sex drive and emotions so great. Somewhere now we are down to sex every three months at best.

    Me being honest and emotions showing I do not hide how I feel anymore. I tried to give have space, love, caress without sexual touch, doing “her” things to ease her life a bit. Didn´t help a bit and no notice either. So when she asked me how I felt one day I told her that I feel lonely, unloved, unseen, untouched, unkissed, unhugged, and really wondering if she had someone on the side as she had no interest in me anymore. That bought tears to her eyes and she said she loved me and has no other. She missed the intimacy too she said but did not know what was wrong. A lot of talking but no solution. Kids are grown up and live on their own so no problem there.
    Not finding a solution still not wanting to leave but the need for human touch is so big in me. I found that going for tactile massage helps a bit. But not all the way. Taking a long hard bike ride lets out some steam and frustration and that helps. But again not all the way.

    We are still in love but she never initiates a hug or a kiss. I have now started to ask for a close naked hug without going to sex to help me out. This she can do most of the time. Sometimes I will end up sobbing like a child and regretting that but realizing that I have to get it out of me somehow.
    This then makes her feel bad for not being able to be there in all my needs. Which makes everything worse again.
    So I end up not saying anything next time as I don’t want to make her feel bad. Then this is wrong also.
    Sort of difficult to get it right if you get my meaning.
    Not knowing where this will end. I have now asked her to think about our future and what she wants, stating that I will not leave her. But she has to start doing something for herself so we can work on ourselves.

    I just want to be loved and touched.
    I just want to love and touch.

  5. I’m a 47-year-old man and in a sexless marriage. I have been married to my wife for 26 years, we have had a very adventurous relationship and sex life over the years. About 15 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy but things still were very adventurous and fulfilling in our sex life.

    Around the same time my wife had an injury to her hip and back at work that left her disabled and unable to work. This threw her into a deep depression and suicide attempt. We made it through all this strong in our relationship but for the last 5 years things have been rough, her pain from her injuries have gotten worse without much help from doctors, our sex life is nonexistent, our intimacy is nonexistent and she has given up on a future.

    She literally has not left our house but maybe 5 times in 4.5 years. She lives in a night gown and never leaves our bedroom, she stays up all hours of the night watching movies and TV on her laptop. I feel like an adult babysitter waiting to hear she hurt her self. She makes no effort to shower regularly (I have to make her).

    I love her like crazy, always have but this is really driving a huge wedge between us. What makes it worse is her snide remarks about us hiring a live-in maid to possibly contract to have sex with me so she doesn’t have to do it. This pisses me off to no end. At 47 I still have a very healthy sex drive and desire, but she has no use for sex or intimacy anymore or for that matter even taking care of herself.

    I just don’t know exactly what to do, I feel selfish when I think of leaving her. Like it’s for a sex life again but I’m smart enough to understand it’s more than that. It’s about much more than just sex. I’m at a crossroad in this and have to figure the best solution now. It helps to know there are more out there in similar situations and who know what we’re going through.

  6. I’m an idiot really and obviously insecure in my own skin. I have no one else to blame for the position I’m in. I have been with my now husband for 7 years. He has lied to me frequently but I kept giving him another chance. He is 15 years older than me and I got pregnant (never had children) and he said it was him or the baby, he didn’t want another. At 40 having not had children, I wanted it desperately, but I loved him more.

    4 years ago I saw a text message from a ‘lady boy prostitute’ – he was about to have paid sex with him; I wonder how many times before that had happened.

    Since then, we have never had intercourse again. That was 4 years ago. I thought if we got married it would change, nope, didn’t happen. I have now been 4 years without even a kiss or snuggle. I was a high earning executive who lived all over the world and he loved it. Since lockdown, I have lost my job and my dignity but he has stood by me but we are nothing but friends.

    He says it is normal not to have sex and that is how people live as they get older. I don’t know if I’m looking at things through rose coloured glasses? Is it normal not to have any intimacy as you get older?

    I have never been unfaithful but decided that once lockdown is over, I’m leaving. I’m still in my late forties, slim and attractive. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, as much as I love him and don’t want to leave. I would rather be faithful and alone than continue on this journey of feeling unloved.

    • Ella:

      I so understand where you are coming from. I had waited a long time hoping my husband would want his marriage and straighten himself out. I am going on a 18 year sexless marriage with no intimacy or communication whatsoever. Every time that I had tried to discuss, I was told, “well, lets don’t talk about this”. I don’t understand why I have lived in this so long as I know that I didn’t have to. Marriage of 30 years and no children with this 2nd marriage, I am 100% done. I will never marry anyone again. I just want to live out the rest of my life in a decent home in a low crime area. I have spent the last 29 years, observing that my husband must be a porn addict of young women. I’ve found him on many dating sites during my marriage. Twice, his ex wife’s profile showed up along with the runner that he was messing with when he was married. There were two other women’s names attached also. He did not quite tell me everything correctly or I would have never dated him. I thought that he was a nice man. A few month’s ago, I ran one of those background checks for the 2nd time. These same names came up again along with a post he had made to a young woman’s breast pictures. It was his current email address: Good Lord! Those are the kind of tits you jerk off to! For me, that was it. He hasn’t seen my breasts in 19 years but he’s making comments on Reddit. I don’t care what anyone says, porn destroys most men in the end.

  7. I am a combat vet and have been married for 42 years we married young me 18 and her19 she us Japanese and i am Caucasian American . We had a good marriage for about 25 years. After i got a Vasectomy things started to change less sex we have two daughters and we live each other deeply she hit menopause early and it is painful for her We let each other have our own space and freedom And dont talk to much just normal how was you day and what the kids are up to . I was always the one who initiated the sex . And always made sure she was satisfied before i finished . But due to my ptsd we dont sleep together i wake her up and she still works so not wanting to disturb her sleep I sleep in a separate bed room . She is a great wife and looks after me and is a good mother . She just doesn’t care about sex and feels we should be. Grand parents and sit on the porch and spend time with the grand kids . I have told her several times i really would want us to be closer and more intimacy we could really have a much better and enjoyable relationship if she would just show some interest but she just doesn’t want to have sex no holding hands no kissing no hugging if any of these are done it is me that does them and she just acts like a stick . I have gotten so dishearted sad and lonely i have just started looking at her as a maid or room mate . I fantasize a lot about women i make up in my mind . I love her and always have but i just feel like i am never going to have that tight intimate marriage we could have had. But she thinks that the sex stuff has been over and we need to be grand parents. I am 60 and not that bad looking and get along with most people. Some have said i look 45 or 50 and not 60 but i sometimes think it us best if i just start to take care of my interest my self and see some one else and just stay married as it is just a companionship marriage Anyway so sad that i love this woman so much that i have just done without so long been 10 years of nothing and before that just once or twice a year for 5 years i really dont know what to do i want happiness but i really want it to be with her but think maybe its time to seek else where i feel i am to old to start over and find any happiness and worry what my kids will think and dont want my wife to have a hard time in her retirement years . So am i wrong or what i think i have done a good job of being a husband and father . But i am one lonely And sex less man in My marriage. I have tried to talk to her and said to she a doctor get help with the pain of menopause But she just doesn’t think its an issue and need to just be grand paw and we are to old for that stuff i dont know what to do so i told her years ago that if she wasnt going to be open to intimacy and sex sometimes i wasnt going to sleep in her bed i seen no reason too . Am i wrong ladies hell once a month and some snuggling would be all i would ask for and sa good morning and a kiss or hung would be great i would be content . .

  8. No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your full loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. Initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my husband would just be on his phone at odd hours until I decided to take a chance to know. Knowing is better than self-doubts and it was exactly what happened when I employed the services of this particular group I came across by chance to help check his phone out info. Now I know when he’s telling the truth and how to restrict him. I think it is not a drastic step if it’ll make you feel better. My life got better, I stopped using my precious time to bother about his indiscretions and channeled my energy positively.

    You can email me to get the contact info.

    It’s legitimate and real

  9. Hey Jay, so sorry to hear your suffering like this. I to am in a sexless marriage, 10yrs now and feel trapped by being in love and still wanting it to work.
    To cope and get support as well as not feel alone I joined many Facebook groups. It was the best thing I ever done. There’s men and woman from all backgrounds and nationalities sharing there intimate story’s, venting and giving advice. There’s thousands of people like us being mistreated. To name a few: sexless marriage support- misery loves company, sexless marriage survival, people in a sexless marriage. Hope this helps.
    If your recognisable by what you do for a career i suggest you open another Facebook account just for this under a nickname and cartoon picture lol.
    On a serious note I wish you all the best.

  10. Well, my wife tried to use sex to manipulate me. Well, two can play that game, so I stopped initiating. And if she initiates, I say no. I will not let her use me with sex. I don’t care if we ever have sex again. And if she leaves me over it, good riddance.

  11. Wow I can’t believe I’m
    Not going though this alone …I have been with my wife for years , I wanted to Be the best version of myself
    I am 40 but look 29, I shave & have hair cuts per week, well Groomed , I come Home And cook, clean up house & garden when needed, i do my half With the kids , do all
    What a husband should do, I pay the bills , work
    2 jobs , I try to be sweet and romantic as much as you can with covid 2020 and I listen to her talk and do so much to Please my wife … i get no sex, maybe once every month or 2

    I told Her that it feels like we are just room mates I also
    Told of my sexual frustration and she said WANK she shouted loud for everyone to hear and spelled out W.A.N.K, she said it’s my problem…she makes no effort to look sexy, she never initiates sex.
    I’m so embarrassed it’s degrading to watch bimbos on porn websites when I have a wife upstairs, I have nobody to talk too I am quite alone and to the world we look perfect but it’s all
    A lie.
    You see I’m a r&b singer and stage performer and I get women throwing themselves at me so much and loads want to have sex with me … but I love my wife and my family and only want to be with my wife.
    But today she again said she does not care …. I’m so sad I got in car to go and have affair tonight !! But I have pulled into gas station to stop myself ( I fear I will be with someone by the end of the week).
    Don’t know what to do.

    • Oh Jay that was a sad situation.. I guess nobody deserves to be treated like that when we only want is to be felt love, wanted and appreciated. Its truly depressing most specially in this tough times. I feel you.

    • Heya Jay,
      I TOTALLY understand your situation and frustration. I am in a 5 year relationship and our sex issues started 3 years ago, I’ll share more later, but I wanted to reach out and advise / suggest to you, do NOT cheat… Its sooooo tempting when you are being neglected by your spouse, but it’s not worth it. By your description, you sound to be a good man who is responsible and caring. Dont tarnish your virtue or challenge your self respect for anyone, including your own wife. Exhaust every option to communicate to your wife how serious this situation is. And if all else fails, you have to put YOU first.
      I apologize if I am coming off bossy, that is not my intent. Your story, like most here, touched my heart and it saddens me that we are all just looking to be loved, and intimate with our spouses. This blog has been SOOO helpful to know I am not alone in this world, just my bed-lol.. I joke a lot to keep from crying.. I’m a happy, always cheerful, smiling people person. I am totally selfless and have literally given the rt off my back to someone in need. I live for my kids and am a cheerleader for my guy.. I loove to cook, and my friends and family love to eat.. I’m an artist, a tree hugger,and just an overall groomed hippie-type/soul child of love.. The love of my life, total opposite. He’s affectionate on HIS terms, and has very little interest in anything I like. I love to snuggle, not him. I love long scenic drives, nope. I love the beach, I go alone or with friends. If I’m watching something that I’m interested in, he leaves the room or puts headphones on. When were in the car, if he doesn’t like one of my many genres, headphones. I have more deep conversations with a 5 year old than him. Talking to him on most occasions is to the back of his tv watching head, or trying to compete with his phone.. When I try addressing my woes, I get instant backlash or defense from him. Sometimes even blamed for feeling sad, as if I’m making up the fact that I’m unhappy. We went from a great start, plenty of sex, fun, communication.. And now I’ll get the nerve to beg for sex at least once a month. Sometimes I get lucky, but not often. Last months session was terrible and pretty much over before it started.. I am terribly disappointed and unhappy. I feel stuck and I do not know what to do. I am in love with him, I do not want anyone else, but I dont know how much longer I can take before leaving. My kids are grown, I’m in my mid 40’s (but definitely dont look it, I’m not vain, just thankfully youthful ) I dont want to give up an okay relationship to end up in a terrible one, again… This is the 1st serious relationship after being married to a horrible cheating womanizer, so of course I wanted to make it work, but here I am 5 years into another unhappy partnership and I dont have the confidence I need to move on..

  12. Its been 3 years, 3 months, 2 days since we were intimate. After a 3 1/2 year long distance relationship, I moved to his state so that we could begin our lives together as a couple not 3 states away, but 10 minutes apart. I insisted on my own place at first just because I needed to be independent & relished the thought of actually being pursued by the love of my life. Fast forward to 5 years later & while we have lived under the same roof for 2 of those years, sex has not happened, at all. Not at my old apartment, our house we live in now, nor on a romantic week vacation to California where we were alone, sandy beach, beautiful suite etc. It NEVER EVER happens. I used to be so confident, sassy, sect & all female, thoroughly enjoying my girlie ways. Until rejection after rejection led to excuse after excuse which led to imagined illnesses then finally blamed solely on my mental state, pushy ways, overzealous personality & too much importance being placed on sexual relations. I’ve grown tired of reaching out only to have my extended arm met by indifference, annoyance. Im not going to give up being intimate because he decided he isn’t going to be honest with me nor is he going to ever see my point as being one of validity I can’t wait to be desired again, to look forward to Friday night, to showing off my recent weight loss, it’s life this thing called love & sex is a HUGE part of it. No longer will I blame it even question my own worth as a woman. Its his problem & his loss.

      • Why is it always the women’s who are the ones who are focused on?
        There are no such thing as a frigid woman
        Just inept men. AS A HEALTHY SEXUAL WOMAN I DESIRE MORE TIME TO MAKE LOVE THAN A COMMERCIAL. I started to feel like I was being used as a TOILET.

  13. I’ve gained a lot of weight. I used to be a size
    Zero and my husband love it. That was 10 years ago. So much has changed. I started working from home and my depression took over. My husband stopped wanting sex. I know I deserve it, but I feel so helpless and sad. I feel like my
    Life is pretty much over. I know my relationship is.

  14. you need a trustworthy hacker to hack into your partner’s device? You can trust Spy-lord. I tried him and he’s very reliable and trustworthy. now I can say am among one of the happiest married women alive. I promised to tell the whole world about him. I hope you can thank me later.

  15. It is sad to see to it that I’m not alone. I really need my man but he is not there for me. I try to initiate for sex but but it is like he does not even feel me!!! I just feel to go outside and quench my thirst.

    • I think everyone who is in, or has been in this situation, has had those thoughts.
      Question is;
      How will you feel when you come back from an affair knowing you officially cheated?
      And do you think you may get emotionally attached to the person you had the affair with. What if you do, how will you handle that when your back at home?
      What if the passionate moment happens without protection (got lost in the lust of it all, Oops!) Now you have to think of disease or pregnancy possibilities! Shit! That just makes things worse than they were.
      Reason I’m even bringing it all up, is cause I’ve thought about it, and although it sounds amazing to finally have my needs met, one must thing of the plethora of circumstances that could arise. And I think ending it would have to happen first, then all the complications are no longer attached to venturing out, and it respectable and fair.
      Just saying for thought.
      Good luck

  16. No emotional connection or sex for the last 6 years. His parents live with us and have made a lot of trouble in our marriage. His first wife left after 5 years and I came along and we’ve been married for 25 but no intimacy for 5-6 years. He’s had a couple of emotional affairs and refuses to get any help whatsoever. When I try to talk about it he gets angry. He’s currently in an emotional relationship with a woman in England – a Psychotherapist. Go figure! I know I have to move but lack the courage. We have one child who’s now an adult, if the kid wasn’t at home – I would have gone. I do everything for his parents, but no appreciation. I’m tired of the rejection, hurt and putting in all the effort to keep the family together. I wish I’ve seen all the warning signs of the parents being so dependent on him. My family was saying no and I didn’t listen. He’s the only son and the dad goes with him everywhere. Although we live together, my husband won’t go anywhere with me, he’ll take our kid out on his own. If I ask to go with them, he’ll say then you take him on your own. I’m just so tired. I wish I had discovered these two programs earlier on in our marriage – Mort Fertel and Laura Doyle. For those who’re in the earlier stages, check these two out. Maybe they can help restore intimacy in your marriage. I feel it’s too late for me. Take care everything and be safe.

  17. I’ve been married for nine years. All of the last two have been sexless. I’m well through the anger stage and have reached a place of serene hostility towards her that will inevitably lead to divorce. The best I can hope for is that we somehow hold the pretence together until the kids leave home, because my own parents split when I was nine and it cast a shadow over my whole life.

    I thought half the point of the sexual revolution was we were supposed to be able to size up our partner sexually before tying the noose. While we were courting we were at it like knives. It beggars belief she thinks she can cut me clean off any form of intimacy without consequences. I’m a naturally faithful person and a great dad, but should the opportunity for strange present itself I’ll dive in on it like a starving dog, and come away with a pristine conscience.

    It’s a good job kids have no idea what adult life holds in store.

    • Buck:

      I am older and don’t have children with this 2nd husband. However, I had wanted to tell you to please take your wife out to a nice dinner, buy a bottle of wine, and communicate with her. Tell her how much you appreciate and love her. Let her know that she is the most important person in the world to you. Suggest that she go and get her a new outfit and take her dancing. But most of all look at her face and communicate. Divorce wrecks everyone’s life especially the children. I would do this every month and I hope that things get better for you.

  18. wow listening to some of these stories is heartbreaking it has thrown a hole new light on why some folk go off and have an affair it’s certainly made me much less judgemental.l got divorced in 1998 due to my wifes infidelity and she got pregnant by him it took a long time to heal and when l did l enjoyed being on my l just worked hard and spent all my time seeing my 5 kids and going on holidays with them having good times to have good memories they moved 220 miles grew up and l started dating again on dating sites l really wasn’t bothered about getting married again being a bodybuilder and a good looking guy l never had a problem finding a date l always managed to find a bad flaw in them and l would finish it or it didn’t feel right and l couldn’t commit to them l enjoyed the sex and l suppose l was looking for a good woman l could trust with my heart. l found her 2 years ago we both fell in love had so much in common it was heaven on earth we had a great sex life up until 3 months ago then she just went off sex was unable to orgasms where before it was not uncommon for her to have 10 orgasms the last few weeks l have started to pull away from her to distance myself we are supposed to be getting married after this covid shit is over but l am not going to get into a sexless marriage l would rather be on my own like some of you on here have said its very painful to be rejected she still loves me but has just lost interest we are going to try herbal remedies vitamins she is 53 and is menopausal her last period was 5 months ago l don’t know if thats anything to do with it. l know myself l will put up with it for so long and having tried everything l know if it stays the same then l wont cheat l will just end it

  19. My wife says when I have brought it up,
    ”Well, you don’t hit me up”
    After a good twelve years as roommates and no intimacy, I believe that my interest in having sex with my wife has disappeared.
    I have done the best I can (by myself) to take care of my own desires with porn, and to take care of my health (working out at home which is hard, keeping the motivation going, daily after work is totally hard, but I believe it’s important at 55 to take care of the weight to avoid complications)
    Her I’m the other end hates working out, won’t join me even though I suggested she does. She’s basically let her self go!
    Gained a lot of weight, plays a lot of video games on her phone, and she wonders why I don’t hit her up for sex? I don’t feel that attraction anymore, we say we live each other daily, but outside of that its a dead issue. Our conversations get shorter, and I’m feeling more alone and frustrated with the whole situation, I’m reaching my ends with trying too figure it all out. I always have thoughts of telling her I’m not happy anymore and that I am done with it, but something stops me. I don’t know what? But I do know I can’t do this for much longer, I don’t want next year to be the same as this year, something has too be said, things need too change soon.

  20. I had same story I m.muslim our marriage is 5 years old just I had a son 3 year old my husband won’t listen me I think he had no feeling for me I always waiting for him but he don’t ask me to sleep with him sex life is gone I m soo much depressed

  21. Love these blogs. The greatest marriages sometimes come from greatest heartache. I love how God will take a mess and turn it into a message. Please visit my blog to read about my mess that became a message.

    • In all kindness and respect:

      Bullshit. I’ve been praying for 27 years for her to open up sexually, for God to intervene. He hasn’t done it yet. Save your breath. My wife has shattered my faith. I hate God, I hate the church, I hate her and most of all, I hate MYSELF for being made the fool that I am. Just wish it was over and praying for death. Sick of this life.

  22. I have been married 23 years and together 27 years. Not to bore you with details but my husband knows how much I was emotionally and physically abused by my family and first marriage and how much that had affected me and how long it took me in therapy to address them as well as forever distancing myself from the toxic relationships. Fast forward for no fault of my own, he started having performance issues and rather then addressing them he just choose to shut down. When I had attempted in the past I would be and feel rejected because he was doing nothing about forward up to this crappy year which made is deal with alot of stuff so I started an open line of communication in how I feel so we attempted to have sex which was different but we took care of one another. I felt fantastic leg him know that and he just kind of, okay, okay.?? A full week goes by I am feeling really in the mood and initiate which goes south quick. So he now just wants to roll over leaving me high and dry…wtf…when I talk to him the next day to let him know how he broke me…I feel totally unwanted, unloved, etc. What is his response I can take care of your desire…not now….no thank you as I am looking for fullness in our sexually relationship even if things don’t go accordingly for him I am willing to try. So I say let’s just leave it to date night, he worked late, I made Ny strip steaks and had a beer and shot ready for him, I was dressed in sexy lounge wear. Night goes on. He never acknowledged how sexy I looked as a matter of fact he bearly looked at me so bedtime I am like its date night and knowing he worked late I didn’t figure sex would happen but I just wanted to be recognized. He said he recognized me after being rejected and he said it was because he was not interested in sex. So after a long discussion about our feelings, I thought he understood why I feel deflated and constantly rejected, everyone on board all sorted out…so we had a day were we hung out, worked on an outdoor project, made a good dinner as always, he even made a few slight advances…or so I thought instead they were just to appease me…went to go to bed thinking what better way to end the night but with sex…rejected again and I was not interested in just getting pleased… if so I could have and had been pleasing myself for 13 frigging years. I am crushed, I asked him to stop lying to me or himself. I feel totally betrayed as he is not being honest…I started doing laundry again to take work off of him…what have I seen…semen on socks…I am not a beauty queen but I take care of myself and get noticed..but I am starting to feel so unwanted I am not eating, I am dealing with depression, even thought about driving my car into a wall to end it.. so I am off to therapy again as when I communicated this to him, his response is I have to try better??? Wtf. So I am sharing this short unhappy story to let you know that it is not alright for anyone to devalue you to the point you question your existence get help. I know I will be alright I am a survivor of sexual, emotional and physical abuse when I was young, all of which I worked out after my first marriage failed. I did all of the work to be emotionally healthy for a relationship if it came my way. My marriage looks great from the outside but inside its rotting away because one person is selfish and only concerned about his needs. I will remain married but I advised my husband I am redoing a craft/exercise room into my new bedroom. I love my home which personally single handedly redone and the area I live in so we will and already are just roommates. I need the medical benefits and financial help so it is what it is. I am going to rent a smaller in May next year, grab my best friend in Illinois and we are hitting the road for a month..that will help me make a final decision to stay or go somewhere new and start all over

    • Your husband needs his ass kicked to get his attention. I would cut off my right arm for a wife like you if even half of what you say is true (and I’ve got no reason to doubt you).

  23. I am 42, and I have been married to my wife for 17 years! We had a great Sex life when we were dating, but even within six months it got to where we went two months without sleeping together. I am still in great shape and look young for my age! I’ve accomplished almost everything I want in my career already, but my marriage is the only place I feel less than! I travel around speaking to audience at conferences and conventions and several times I have had attractive women come on to me. I always politely so thanks, but I’m married! But last year my wife and I went 13 months without sleeping together, and when we finally did I didn’t fee anything for her! This is the first time I felt like there was no love for her! I feel like we have lost it completely, and now I feel like I need to leave her, because I feel like if I don’t I will find someone else and have an affair! I feel trapped because I don’t want to leave my children, but divorce seems like a better option than infidelity! This is so hard!

  24. Im 24 and married for 4 years. Our sex life was amazing before we got married. It was wild, exciting and i always felt this spark in my belly. I was satesfied. Now everything has changed. I dont feel the same way anymore and everytime there is no foreplay just a few touches which doesent make me feel anything and i see he is enyoing himself and comes pretty fast before i reach climax. And i just lie there during sex not feeling anything and it scares me. All i think is getting over with it because im not getting anything out of it. Everytime when i try to tell him what i want and miss him doing he gets mad it feels like a sensetive topic for him. And when i tell him why i cant get it he says sex is different everytime. We have sex a very few time where it is almost perfect for me. I get so frustrated. I mean i love him so much i do but i have my needs as well. I just want it from him. I dont want to leave him but i have to be happy as well, i live only once.

    • As I’ve read above, my sex life when we first started dating was on fire!
      Married now six years, we didn’t even have sex to consummate the marriage, and No Sex to this day since the wedding….still not yet consumated! We stopped having sex years before we got married(at least six years prior) so in essence I haven’t been intimate for 12 years. Left hungry like a dog, with plenty of temptation and a steady diet of porn almost nightly when my wife is asleep.
      This has become my intimacy!
      My wife and I are like roommates.
      What do I do? I’m alone and lonely and sexually frustrated beyond belief! Never thought I’d find myself in such an uncomfortable situation. Love my wife, she is good to me, we are cuddly with each other and say we love each other, in spite of the reality, but we haven’t been a couple in a Long Time!!

      I find myself craving sex all the time, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up ending it or fuck around (and I don’t wanna be that guy) but I have my needs and 12 years without is ridiculous! I’ve heard women complain it’s been two months and I laugh to myself (try 12 years honey!)

        • Hahaha.. sorry I laugh but yeah. How can you survive a marriage without sex? Seriously?

          I m being depress too this past months since covid. I am 30 years old but feels 60’s for my sex life 😅 in 6 years of marriage we just had a few times being passionate and erotic. In those years i feel like I am the only one who initiates to make love, i had so many rejections too sometimes when I ask. I start to longed to feel wanted, long talks and kisses. I started to doubt my self and his love for me. We are both good together i know that he loves me but I just don’t understand why he can’t make love with me and sometimes when we try he is just losing it during the intercourse. I tried to be patient and gentle with him and console him, but deep inside of me I feel like being emotionally and physically neglected. I have been tempted to search it with other person who can make me feel alive again, but everytime i think of it, i say to myself, he have lost the intimacy with me, so I have to find the answers with him, he can only solve my agony not with another man.

      • I can relate. My husband and I had a great sex life while we were dating and he proposed to me right away. Months before our wedding the sex stopped and we never consummated our marriage either. It has been a little over 13 years now. I can not even get him to touch me in anyway. He says he dose not know why he can’t but he does love me. I have been hit on many times over the years and have never taken anyone up on their advances. It is very frustrating to go through life like this. I just smile and pretend life is great when the girls and I go out and they start the conversations about the little things that go on behind closed doors. I am glad I found this site because I honestly thought I was the only person in life going through something like this. I was starting to think it was me and was beating myself up everyday.

        • Don’t blame yourself, your just in a strange situation, I know cause I’m in the same situation. Between seeing beautiful women in public and porn to relieve my own needs…not sure where it will end up. Love my wife, don’t wanna do that to her, she deserves more than that from me….but how long can I last with No intimacy?

        • well, your story sounds exactly like mine. I blame myself, been married 11 years, all 11 years have been low self. We did not consummate our marriage either, he said he was tired and stressed, we were 40 at the time. I would say we have sex 5 to 7 times a year, maximum may have been 10 times the first year. He said he does not know why and he knows its not fair to me. I did gain 20 pounds but I married him 100 lbs over weight and he is still a big guy. I am not arrogant but I am 5’11, maybe 20 pounds over weight , if that, attractive and successful , great cook, christian woman, great mother and grandmother, he is a great guy but how much longer can I allow this to go on. I feel ugly, depressed,unloved, unwanted, sure he tells me he is proud of me and he loves me but those are just words, no physical proof

  25. i am also in very bad situation right now , no relationship no sex no love nothing , just he is working all day even after working hours or if not working he is talking with his staff and people all the time , even if we go out for dinner or just for walk he is talking all the time about work and business, well i am 31 and he is 17 year older than me , i have one baby , nothing at all 2 years gone , if i am trying to talk on that he is i m having stress , i am just so done with this f**king life .

    • similar situation here. We are two years apart. She is stay at home mom. We have a 16 year old-Boy. We had little sex since he was born. No interest in going to therapist. She very social but Dead-Bedroom. No explanation but surprised that i am so rude all the time. She simply does not get it on why I am so resentful. I moved to separate bedroom and gave her deadline to go to therapist by herself or together. I don’t know if she will do it but she asked me for two days. I love this woman but i am done trying to fix this relationship.

  26. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years. I would say in the last 10 years its been slowly dwindling to nothing. I try to initiate, ask, beg, cry, talk. His excuses are he’s tired and I can have it anytime I want it. But when I initiate he says he tired or turns the other way. He says he wants another child but does he realize sex is required? I’ve given him the cold shoulder, abstinence, been angry, and hateful as punishment to him. Only to realize I’m more hurt by it. So I go back to being cordial, a shell of my former self. When we have sex it’s great And we both enjoy it. So why ? I don’t understand. People think we have sex all the time and he’s soo lucky to have such a beautiful wife. Today, I am trying to figure out how to cope with my grief! How to cope with the loss of my sex life? I cry at how relatable everyone’s story is! I hate that we are all feeling so alone and broken by this!

    • This is 100% same story of mine but the only difference is I want a second baby and he doesn’t. But i am trying best to convince him that for a baby we need to have sex and we have no good sex life since past 6 years its like having sex once after 2-3 months or after 6 months. He is so smart he says I don’t kiss him or hug him etc so sex doesn’t comes into his mind. He doesn’t know why I don’t kiss or hug him cause i feel apart from him as he is not giving me sex and that is making me bitter. How can I go and kiss him with a broken heart? Whereas I need healing, he says ask me sex anytime cause I don’t ask since i am busy and then when i ask him he says what you telling me now to have sex we need time, mood, plans and i am not a machine that will start its own and i am tired etc. He gives nonsense excuses and that’s the reason i have stopped asking him for sex as i know i will be rejected again which will put me in depression and crying nights and whenever once in a blue moon we have sex is he is the one who tries it which is not in my count list even like sex after 2-3 or sometimes 6-7 months that’s insane if its on me i want sex every other day. When I was with my ex we used to have sex every single day. But now this man is starving me for sex. And he knows, he knows it but ignoring it Cause he knows i am a housewife and have 5 years old son where will i go. It breaks my heart ppl thinks i am beautiful young but no one knows what am i going through. My ex he is still wanting me badly but i am being a loyal wife.

      • Oh god I can relate to you.. and everytime i tried to talk to him about sex he is just coming up with excuses. It is really really frustrating knowing that we have high sex drive.. if infidelity is just easy. 😪

  27. My husband does not desire sex. He says it’s because he’s tired at night but he stays up late watching TV instead of coming to bed. He makes so many excuses when I call him out. We had our 4th child two years ago and that has been a somewhat valid excuse but now that he is sleeping through the night, I can’t believe it. Not to mention, years ago he went months without wanting sex. I suspect he was having an affair then (can’t prove 100% but he has a wandering eye) but he isn’t having one now due to lockdown. I do know he uses internet porn a lot and even when we were much younger, he would use porn over having sex. At 36 years old now, I am sick of it. Have been with him for 18 years and am wishing for better. We have 4 kids so are “stuck” but I am finding myself daydreaming about having sex with other men. I definitely can’t live like this.

  28. I’ve been in this situation for years. Before the birth of our first child my wife was enthusiastic and willing almost at any time. It had slowed from every day to once or twice a week as our schedules got busy, but it was still regular. After that, it dropped to almost nothing. She initiated for having further children, but required that those were strictly clinical encounters — tightly regulated and almost expressly dull, because of a belief that those types of sexual encounters would lead to the gender we wanted (no… they never did). Between pregnancies we were at once every three or four months. I kept waiting to see if she would initiate, and then eventually just initiate myself. And then she started refusing most of the time.

    At the same time, other affection changed. She stopped kissing me or made each kiss a “joke” kiss, where she would bite my lip or blow into my mouth or whatever. Hugs became “formal”, where she would essentially be patting me on the back rather than embracing me.

    Then came “transactional” sex. She said she would have sex with me if I lost a certain amount of weight. Then when I did, she changed the rules. Then she said we could have sex if I made an extra $10k at work. Always something that wasn’t entirely in my control, and would take months at least. She asked what I wanted and I said I wanted to know she wanted to have sex also. Her response? “Oh….” No “I’m sorry”, no protest that she actually does want sex, just, “Oh.”

    I found out later she still was watching porn at night. Ouch. She has a man willing to have sex with her, and she decides to watch porn instead. Exclusively.

    I could never go to a prostitute. While the physical desire is strong, I need an emotional connection.

    It’s not like I had a great — or, for that matter, any — sex life before I met her at 23. And, then our sex life, my entire sex life, was gone six years later.

    I don’t feel like a man, I don’t feel like an adult, and many days I don’t even feel human. It hurts when I feel any desire for her, because I know it means nothing. Every day tears come and I have to attribute them to the cold, or something in my eye. My heart feels like it’s inside an iron coffin in my chest, slowing constricting and grating into it.

    • I totally feel your pain. My wife and I went 6 years without sex or anything more than a perfunctory interest on her part in intimacy. I raised it with her which brought on tests snd then days later a huge row that led to sex two nights in a row, but that was a couple months ago and now it’s just reverted to the same old same old. I think we’re now in a final downward spiral before we separate. I still love her (and always will) and I know she loves me, but we aren’t happy together anymore as intimate partners. The damage of the previous withholding for me is always there. I think we need to find happiness elsewhere. Sad but true. Hopefully it’s amicable and mutually supportive

    • This is sad. 😪I feel the same when my husband prefer porn than me.. his friends says he is lucky for me, so I don’t know what’s wrong with him, it is just frustrating and heartbreaking.

  29. For me the problem started post marriage. Before then she would hardly turn me down and even initiated, it was fun and wild and coupled with her as a person i thought i had found the perfect woman. Post the nuptuals and one miscarriage, then the birth of our daughter 1 year almost to the date of the miscarriage which she was considered a high risk and their was no intamacy for the duration of the pregnancy and it never returned. At first i noticed sex during the week was faulting but on weekends she would be in a ‘giving mood’ then even that changed. Now i’m lucky if once or twice a month, and its very seldom her initiating and often she treats it like a chore. Our bed is apparently a place to just view social media roll over and go to sleep. If i try to be intimate i get such hateful looks you wouldnt believe, and though i have a drive that i would love to have sex everyday i am not unreasonable and would now try maybe 1 time a week now and often that is too much. It does hurt especially when i do still get attention from other women, but considering the vows i made before God in the church i feel trapped by obligation, plus we just build a lovely home together so financially we are tied. We have become more roommates and business partners than lovers. I always thought this would happen later in life like our 50’s but this has been my life for the last 8 yrs of marriage which occured when i was 27 and she was 29, our daughter is now 6.

    • C, I’m so sorry to hear your situation. Reading your story and the others really helps me to feel a little better, knowing I’m not alone in this issue. I have felt so embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. He’s NOT a person who is open to any kind of counseling, so for the past few years, I’ve just dealt with it.
      I’m at a crossroads with should I stay in this relationship or move on. I am in love and fully committed, but we are not married and I do not want to remain in a relationship with no intamacy or bonding connection.
      This is the first relationship after a very bad 8 year marriage. I waited until I felt comfortable to start dating, about a year.
      I have known my current boyfriend since high school, about 30 years. Although we had sex once after high school, we never seriously dated.
      I have always been very attracted to him, but have also been cautious about being in a serious relationship, because I did not ever want to lose his friendship.
      Once we crossed the intacmy line again, as adults, I was all in.
      In the beginning we had sex a lot. A few times a day, definitely a few times a week. As time went on it slowed down to once or twice a week, which was ok. Then slowly once or twice a month, and that’s where we have been for the past few years.
      I’m very frustrated, and angry and sad all in one. I love him so much, and respect our relationship, I dont desire being intimate with anyone else. Which is what brought me to this article. I dont know what to do. I want to be happy and mentally healthy and to figure out how to resolve this. I know there no magic buttons, or quick fixes, but just writing this, is helping.

    • I’m sitting here crying. Im 29 and my husband is 34. He has had 5 tbi’s and ever since his last one, he is just not the same person. Not only have we not fucked in years but he also has not touched me or anything. No foreplay, no butt grab, no nothing. We have been married just under 4 years. After his last tbi he just shut off completely. I am a very attractive woman with a super high sex drive. I have been physically painfully horny for so long now. It interferes with my daily life. I love him so much and could bever imagine leaving him. Hes amazing in all other ways. I feel so incredibly stuck and have been looking into chemical castration. I just dont know what to do.

      • I’m in a similar situation minus TBI. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

        I’m at the point in which I want out. I can no longer sacrifice my intimacy needs. I’d rather be alone than living in a marriage like this.

  30. I am so very sorry to hear about these sexless marriages and I blame our cultures in general. Constantly telling women that they are sluts or whores if they enjoy sex (even with their husbands). I refuse to listen to this stupidity and believe that women and men need sex until their dying days, its a natural part of life and healthy. Studies prove people who have sex regularly live longer and suffer less mental health issues than those who do not. If your partner is not great at it then learn what you both like together and there is no shame in it. Try different things, listen to sexy music and eat goji berries (proven to help libido for both men and women). I have been married for 18 years and still have sex 2 times a week and love it. I pray for all of you to find happiness and fulfillment with or without your spouses but do not stay in these marriages its not worth it.

  31. I read this and I hate to say it. We didn’t lose our sex drive its still there its just the excitement and temptations have gone and neither party has been both willing to work on it. Im not talking about just agreeing to do better I mean really trying . You have kids ? Great get an over night sitter . You have a low libedo or can’t get it up take stuff for it .. having sex for the rest of your life with that one person I’m sorry ppl r going to get board and if not kudos to the 2 percent out there who can still have sex like a teenager with the same person .

  32. I’ve been married for 23 years and we haven’t had sex even once. I’m 59 and still a virgin. I’ve been miserable the whole time and don’t know what to do.

    • What? Why have you stayed? I’m so sorry. You obviously suffer from low self-esteem. Have you seen a therapist? You need to first understand why you have tolerated this behavior. You are still young enough To change your life and find a partner that will fulfill you in every way. Best of luck to you.

  33. I have lost all confidence. I would say I’m an attractive women and still get looks from men. My husband is 15 years my senior, I have kept myself in shape and still nothing. My husband has not touched me in four years, not even foreplay.

    He has not even kissed me intimately. To the outside world he is the perfect husband and partner but I feel so unloved and alone. I don’t know what I have done for him not to want to be with me. When I raise the subject he gets angry and states he has lost his libido due to age, however, I struggle with that because it would not stop him having foreplay.

    I don’t know what to do.

    • Ella,
      I am in the same situation as you. I also am a very attractive lady and get looks from men all the time but my husband won’t even touch me. He’s 7 years older than me so im not sure if age has a part to play. I have a very high libido and extremely affectionate. He’s always tired even intiating sex to him feels like a chore. I don’t know how much longer i can keep up with the rejection tbh. Not that i would do it but i now see why women end up having an affair. It’s very hard.

      • Ella & Lilly,
        I am going through it too. We have been together for a total of 15 yrs married 12yrs. The last time we had sex was before we got married. All I get is a peck on the lips when he says goodnight. He has told me a million times he loves me but does not know why he can not get back to the intimacy like we had before we were married. I mentioned I joined this group because I was in shock to see I was not the only one married to someone and not having sex. I told him there was a guy in the group going through the same thing for the same amount of time that I have and he can not cheat on his wife. He just keeps waiting. I thought I was the only person who could stay faithful for that long and it amazed me how many descent, faithful people are in the world. He got jealous because there are guys in the group that are sharing their stories and replying to my situation with their own situation. I am so confused. He does not want to be with me intimately but gets jealous because I am in a group that has men in it. He thinks I am out looking to hook up with one of them. I told him I am also sharing my situation with women and he gets all freaked out.

    • Seeking answers for a friend’s dad. He’s been married about 30 years to a woman who hasn’t but a handful of times made love with him for the last 2 decades! They live together partially (he travels for work half the week). They share an adult child. She doesn’t want to talk about why she suddenly stopped having sex (I assume a past rape) and refuses to even talk about sex or get counseling. She may also believe sex is for procreation. He’s tried to rekindle things through the years and she rebuffs him. Key: THEY ARE ALSO BUSINESS PARTNERS. Divorcing would mean a messy breaking of businesses and division of assets (which are plenty). And according to him, they still love each other (care for). But there’s no more passion or emotional intimacy. She is not the type of age to even consider for a second separation or an open marriage, he says.

      Two questions for you all: Just how long could YOU be in his position before hitting your breaking point? 20 years?

      How likely would it be for you to cheat, either emotionally or physically if you stayed in such a predicament for so long without counseling? Personally, it seems inevitable.

      And do you feel cheating (emotionally or sexually) be justified in such a predicament? What would the alternative be (if divorce were made near impossible)?

  34. What if it’s your husband? We’ve now been married 10 years, together for 18 and right up until we got married, we had a healthy sex life. Since then, things have dwindled to non existent. A year ago, I set out on a journey to a better me and was in the best shape of my life. Sex did pick back up again, and I got pregnant with our third child. Once he learned that I was pregnant, sex stopped abruptly.
    Now, given birth two weeks ago, there has been nothing.
    It is ruining our marriage, especially since
    It is me wanting more and reasons why. Is it me? Is it that he has gone outside of our marriage? Should I leave?
    I am a woman that needs intimacy and sex.

  35. I have been in a sexless marriage for at least 19 years, my wife flatly rejection me sexually. This has been difficult with feelings of rejection, frustration and anger.
    We have talked about it and have tried to be more intimate but we can’t get past first base. After such a long period of rejection I no longer wish to have sex with my wife. I don’t see her as a sexual partner anymore. We get along responsibility well but there is that underlying tension.
    About 10 years without sex I started seeing prostitutes, I felt ashamed, bad, why had I come to this.
    I find myself seeking female friendships outside my marriage. As a human, as a sensual being, I cannot live in a marriage based on partner imposed sexual abstinence.
    I do love my wife, that my sound strange given what I have done. I am extremely unhappy in our marriage that I think of leaving.

    • Long-term rejection really does destroy your confidence…and it makes you angry and resentful. I spent a lot of time reading about sex drive imbalance in marriage and trying to learn how to resolve our problems, but its a one-way street when the other side thinks its YOUR problem. So then I started reading all the red pill MGTOW literature which made me start to hate females in general, but that is DEFINITELY the wrong way to go. My wife doesn’t need or want sex, so that’s her problem. I’m the normal one. I do not want to be further diminished by her disinterest in me (though she does love me as a partner in life, whatever that is worth). We are going to separate sooner or later and i would like to start over before I become too much of a needy weirdo.

  36. I am iin the same boat. 5 years ago sex started to slow down. 15 yrs in and my wife could care less about being intimate. She says I want sex all the time, but I only try once a month to be romantic to get her in the mood. 75% of the time she shoots me down and I am left feeling hopeless and unwanted. My self-esteem is shot and I would say we are lucky to have sex 5-7 per year. I am at a loss of what to do.

    • all the relationships I have had long term including 2 marriages have ended up sexless. me I would happy with sex daily. my first marriage we went 3 yes without sex. it seems women use sex as bait to get a man. I do not believe women need sex at all and they use it as a tool to hook a man. This will only result in destruction of a man’s self esteem. if women just realised that to keep a man we NEED good sex regularly not as a tool to get what you want. I believe women are wired this way. I was and am good at sex but as I said it is just bait. Sadly this marriage has followed the same trend. this is why there are affairs.

      • HA!! Have you seen how many women are commenting here? I am a reasonably attractive woman, with high sex drive.

        Its my husband who basically tricked me into marriage..
        I’ve had to beg plead cry, scream, threaten divorce, throw things, bargain, tried everything imaginable to “spice things up” kept in good shape despite three kids, and nothing.

        He has watched me for 7 yrs now on a downward spiral, as a result of this. Its like he gets a sadistic thrill out of control or something.
        There is definitely another side to this.
        NOTHING is more important to him than the almighty pornography.

        Its so pathetic, that I honestly despise him.

  37. I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now. Her reasoning is the change of life that started in her 30’s. We are mid 40’s, It is really putting a strain on our 19yr marriage

    • I cried on part 5 because it’s too relatable, especially when others girls are flirting with you more than your own partner, it just makes you feel like your unloved by your partner and loved by others better, I don’t think I do this much longer


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