sexless marriage
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Studies suggest that at least 15 percent of married couples are in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is defined as partners who have not been intimate within a 6 to 12-month period. So what happens to your marriage when you and your spouse are no longer being intimate together? 

Either you’re unhappy with your partner and don’t feel comfortable sharing a sex life. Or you’re blissfully happy together and wondering where your sexual disconnect came from. Either way, a lack of intimacy can be painful and frustrating both mentally and physically.

5 ways a sexless marriage can affect you

Here are 5 ways a sexless marriage can affect both your mental health and your relationship, along with advice on what to do when you and your spouse are no longer intimate together.

1. Temptations Rise

It practically goes without saying that when you are not being intimate with your partner, you are missing out on an important bond. Your emotional and physical needs are not being met. This can cause you to question your commitment to fidelity.

When your partner no longer wants to be intimate with you, it can make you feel incredibly lonely and depressed. This leaves you vulnerable to having an extramarital affair, which will complicate your marriage and likely hurt all parties involved.

2. Reduces Emotional Intimacy

In a sample study done by the Flourishing Families Project, 355 couples discussed emotional and sexual intimacy in relation to relationship satisfaction. The results showed that a satisfying sex life significantly predicted heightened emotional intimacy between partners.

Emotional intimacy is very important to your relationship. It bonds you as a couple and makes sex more enjoyable. It even contributes to the success of your marital friendship. It’s what encourages you to be close with your spouse and share things with him.

When physical intimacy is lacking, your emotional connection will suffer.

3. Destroys Trust

The oxytocin released during physical moments, and especially after orgasm, has been shown to increase trust between partners. This is important since trust is what helps us feel connected to our spouses. It allows us to feel comfortable and safe in our relationships.

The relationship between trust and intimacy makes sense when you consider that during sex you are giving your partner the freedom and consent to explore your body and pleasure you. It is a deeply personal experience that you share with your partner. When this experience is lacking, your trust in your spouse may wane.

If your spouse has lost interest in sex, you may also start to question their loyalty to you. You may wonder if they are uninterested in maintaining a healthy sex life with you because they are pursuing their desires with someone else. Such thinking can damage a marriage.

4. It Ruins Your Self-Esteem

When you are intimate with your spouse, you feel amazing. You feel sexy and desired by your partner. This gives you a pleasant ego boost. However, when such intimacy is lacking, it may cause your self-esteem to plummet. You may start to think that you are ugly, undesirable, or that your spouse is no longer attracted to you. This can cause your mental health to suffer.

Questioning your self-worth can trigger depression. 

Once depressed, you will begin to feel unmotivated, helpless, will lose interest in activities, may begin to dislike yourself, feel fatigued, irritable, and you may even start choosing reckless behavior.

5. It’s Embarrassing

You’re out with your friends and someone pulls up a ‘How Wild is Your Sex Life?’ quiz as a silly joke. Everyone begins discussing their hottest encounters or relaying stories about sneaking in an intimate moment while the kids were out. You’re just left there to dread the round-table discussion coming your way. 

Not having a healthy sex life with your partner hurts. Since research proves that sex makes you feel socially included, the reality of your intimate life can be embarrassing. This is true even if nobody knows what is going on behind closed doors. 

You may start to wonder what is wrong with your spouse. You may start to think that your relationship is not normal – especially if it is your husband who has lost interest in sex.

What to Do When You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Being in a happy sexless marriage can be equally, if not more frustrating than being in an unhappy relationship. If you and your spouse are wildly in love and make spending time together an important part of your relationship, why aren’t you connecting on a sexual level?

Whether you get along or not, it’s important to get to the root of the problems in your sex life. Here are two simple ways you can start to take control of your marriage and your mental health.

  • Communication is the backbone of any strong marriage. Studies show that sexual communication is positively correlated with relationship quality and satisfying sex life.  Couples must learn how to talk about what is bothering them in order to grow and strengthen their relationship. 
  •  Get Help. Not everyone is comfortable sharing the ins and outs of their lives with a complete stranger, but therapy can be extremely helpful. Whether you’re attending with your spouse or solo, a counselor can help you understand what’s going on in your relationship. 

Related Content:  6 Ways to Enhance Female Sexuality While Aging

There are also online marriage courses, such as that I am associated with, that are available to teach couples how to strengthen intimacy, boost communication, and enhance empathy.

Not sharing a sex life with the person you vowed to spend forever can be a sad and frustrating experience – but it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

Communicate openly with your spouse about the problems you’re having. Marital therapy, working out together, and spending quality time together can boost your physical and emotional intimacy.

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48 COMMENTS

  1. you need a trustworthy hacker to hack into your partner’s device? You can trust Spy-lord. I tried him and he’s very reliable and trustworthy. now I can say am among one of the happiest married women alive. I promised to tell the whole world about him. I hope you can thank me later.

  2. It is sad to see to it that I’m not alone. I really need my man but he is not there for me. I try to initiate for sex but but it is like he does not even feel me!!! I just feel to go outside and quench my thirst.

    • I think everyone who is in, or has been in this situation, has had those thoughts.
      Question is;
      How will you feel when you come back from an affair knowing you officially cheated?
      And do you think you may get emotionally attached to the person you had the affair with. What if you do, how will you handle that when your back at home?
      What if the passionate moment happens without protection (got lost in the lust of it all, Oops!) Now you have to think of disease or pregnancy possibilities! Shit! That just makes things worse than they were.
      Reason I’m even bringing it all up, is cause I’ve thought about it, and although it sounds amazing to finally have my needs met, one must thing of the plethora of circumstances that could arise. And I think ending it would have to happen first, then all the complications are no longer attached to venturing out, and it respectable and fair.
      Just saying for thought.
      Good luck

  3. No emotional connection or sex for the last 6 years. His parents live with us and have made a lot of trouble in our marriage. His first wife left after 5 years and I came along and we’ve been married for 25 but no intimacy for 5-6 years. He’s had a couple of emotional affairs and refuses to get any help whatsoever. When I try to talk about it he gets angry. He’s currently in an emotional relationship with a woman in England – a Psychotherapist. Go figure! I know I have to move but lack the courage. We have one child who’s now an adult, if the kid wasn’t at home – I would have gone. I do everything for his parents, but no appreciation. I’m tired of the rejection, hurt and putting in all the effort to keep the family together. I wish I’ve seen all the warning signs of the parents being so dependent on him. My family was saying no and I didn’t listen. He’s the only son and the dad goes with him everywhere. Although we live together, my husband won’t go anywhere with me, he’ll take our kid out on his own. If I ask to go with them, he’ll say then you take him on your own. I’m just so tired. I wish I had discovered these two programs earlier on in our marriage – Mort Fertel and Laura Doyle. For those who’re in the earlier stages, check these two out. Maybe they can help restore intimacy in your marriage. I feel it’s too late for me. Take care everything and be safe.

  4. I’ve been married for nine years. All of the last two have been sexless. I’m well through the anger stage and have reached a place of serene hostility towards her that will inevitably lead to divorce. The best I can hope for is that we somehow hold the pretence together until the kids leave home, because my own parents split when I was nine and it cast a shadow over my whole life.

    I thought half the point of the sexual revolution was we were supposed to be able to size up our partner sexually before tying the noose. While we were courting we were at it like knives. It beggars belief she thinks she can cut me clean off any form of intimacy without consequences. I’m a naturally faithful person and a great dad, but should the opportunity for strange present itself I’ll dive in on it like a starving dog, and come away with a pristine conscience.

    It’s a good job kids have no idea what adult life holds in store.

  5. wow listening to some of these stories is heartbreaking it has thrown a hole new light on why some folk go off and have an affair it’s certainly made me much less judgemental.l got divorced in 1998 due to my wifes infidelity and she got pregnant by him it took a long time to heal and when l did l enjoyed being on my l just worked hard and spent all my time seeing my 5 kids and going on holidays with them having good times to have good memories they moved 220 miles away.kids grew up and l started dating again on dating sites l really wasn’t bothered about getting married again being a bodybuilder and a good looking guy l never had a problem finding a date l always managed to find a bad flaw in them and l would finish it or it didn’t feel right and l couldn’t commit to them l enjoyed the sex and l suppose l was looking for a good woman l could trust with my heart. l found her 2 years ago we both fell in love had so much in common it was heaven on earth we had a great sex life up until 3 months ago then she just went off sex was unable to orgasms where before it was not uncommon for her to have 10 orgasms the last few weeks l have started to pull away from her to distance myself we are supposed to be getting married after this covid shit is over but l am not going to get into a sexless marriage l would rather be on my own like some of you on here have said its very painful to be rejected she still loves me but has just lost interest we are going to try herbal remedies vitamins she is 53 and is menopausal her last period was 5 months ago l don’t know if thats anything to do with it. l know myself l will put up with it for so long and having tried everything l know if it stays the same then l wont cheat l will just end it

  6. My wife says when I have brought it up,
    ”Well, you don’t hit me up”
    After a good twelve years as roommates and no intimacy, I believe that my interest in having sex with my wife has disappeared.
    I have done the best I can (by myself) to take care of my own desires with porn, and to take care of my health (working out at home which is hard, keeping the motivation going, daily after work is totally hard, but I believe it’s important at 55 to take care of the weight to avoid complications)
    Her I’m the other end hates working out, won’t join me even though I suggested she does. She’s basically let her self go!
    Gained a lot of weight, plays a lot of video games on her phone, and she wonders why I don’t hit her up for sex? I don’t feel that attraction anymore, we say we live each other daily, but outside of that its a dead issue. Our conversations get shorter, and I’m feeling more alone and frustrated with the whole situation, I’m reaching my ends with trying too figure it all out. I always have thoughts of telling her I’m not happy anymore and that I am done with it, but something stops me. I don’t know what? But I do know I can’t do this for much longer, I don’t want next year to be the same as this year, something has too be said, things need too change soon.

  7. I had same story I m.muslim our marriage is 5 years old just I had a son 3 year old my husband won’t listen me I think he had no feeling for me I always waiting for him but he don’t ask me to sleep with him sex life is gone I m soo much depressed

  8. Love these blogs. The greatest marriages sometimes come from greatest heartache. I love how God will take a mess and turn it into a message. Please visit my blog to read about my mess that became a message.

  9. I have been married 23 years and together 27 years. Not to bore you with details but my husband knows how much I was emotionally and physically abused by my family and first marriage and how much that had affected me and how long it took me in therapy to address them as well as forever distancing myself from the toxic relationships. Fast forward for no fault of my own, he started having performance issues and rather then addressing them he just choose to shut down. When I had attempted in the past I would be and feel rejected because he was doing nothing about it..fast forward up to this crappy year which made is deal with alot of stuff so I started an open line of communication in how I feel so we attempted to have sex which was different but we took care of one another. I felt fantastic leg him know that and he just kind of, okay, okay.?? A full week goes by I am feeling really in the mood and initiate which goes south quick. So he now just wants to roll over leaving me high and dry…wtf…when I talk to him the next day to let him know how he broke me…I feel totally unwanted, unloved, etc. What is his response I can take care of your desire…not now….no thank you as I am looking for fullness in our sexually relationship even if things don’t go accordingly for him I am willing to try. So I say let’s just leave it to date night, he worked late, I made Ny strip steaks and had a beer and shot ready for him, I was dressed in sexy lounge wear. Night goes on. He never acknowledged how sexy I looked as a matter of fact he bearly looked at me so bedtime I am like its date night and knowing he worked late I didn’t figure sex would happen but I just wanted to be recognized. He said he recognized me after being rejected and he said it was because he was not interested in sex. So after a long discussion about our feelings, I thought he understood why I feel deflated and constantly rejected, everyone on board all sorted out…so we had a day were we hung out, worked on an outdoor project, made a good dinner as always, he even made a few slight advances…or so I thought instead they were just to appease me…went to go to bed thinking what better way to end the night but with sex…rejected again and I was not interested in just getting pleased… if so I could have and had been pleasing myself for 13 frigging years. I am crushed, I asked him to stop lying to me or himself. I feel totally betrayed as he is not being honest…I started doing laundry again to take work off of him…what have I seen…semen on socks…I am not a beauty queen but I take care of myself and get noticed..but I am starting to feel so unwanted I am not eating, I am dealing with depression, even thought about driving my car into a wall to end it.. so I am off to therapy again as when I communicated this to him, his response is I have to try better??? Wtf. So I am sharing this short unhappy story to let you know that it is not alright for anyone to devalue you to the point you question your existence get help. I know I will be alright I am a survivor of sexual, emotional and physical abuse when I was young, all of which I worked out after my first marriage failed. I did all of the work to be emotionally healthy for a relationship if it came my way. My marriage looks great from the outside but inside its rotting away because one person is selfish and only concerned about his needs. I will remain married but I advised my husband I am redoing a craft/exercise room into my new bedroom. I love my home which personally single handedly redone and the area I live in so we will and already are just roommates. I need the medical benefits and financial help so it is what it is. I am going to rent a smaller in May next year, grab my best friend in Illinois and we are hitting the road for a month..that will help me make a final decision to stay or go somewhere new and start all over

  10. I am 42, and I have been married to my wife for 17 years! We had a great Sex life when we were dating, but even within six months it got to where we went two months without sleeping together. I am still in great shape and look young for my age! I’ve accomplished almost everything I want in my career already, but my marriage is the only place I feel less than! I travel around speaking to audience at conferences and conventions and several times I have had attractive women come on to me. I always politely so thanks, but I’m married! But last year my wife and I went 13 months without sleeping together, and when we finally did I didn’t fee anything for her! This is the first time I felt like there was no love for her! I feel like we have lost it completely, and now I feel like I need to leave her, because I feel like if I don’t I will find someone else and have an affair! I feel trapped because I don’t want to leave my children, but divorce seems like a better option than infidelity! This is so hard!

  11. Im 24 and married for 4 years. Our sex life was amazing before we got married. It was wild, exciting and i always felt this spark in my belly. I was satesfied. Now everything has changed. I dont feel the same way anymore and everytime there is no foreplay just a few touches which doesent make me feel anything and i see he is enyoing himself and comes pretty fast before i reach climax. And i just lie there during sex not feeling anything and it scares me. All i think is getting over with it because im not getting anything out of it. Everytime when i try to tell him what i want and miss him doing he gets mad it feels like a sensetive topic for him. And when i tell him why i cant get it he says sex is different everytime. We have sex a very few time where it is almost perfect for me. I get so frustrated. I mean i love him so much i do but i have my needs as well. I just want it from him. I dont want to leave him but i have to be happy as well, i live only once.

    • As I’ve read above, my sex life when we first started dating was on fire!
      Married now six years, we didn’t even have sex to consummate the marriage, and No Sex to this day since the wedding….still not yet consumated! We stopped having sex years before we got married(at least six years prior) so in essence I haven’t been intimate for 12 years. Left hungry like a dog, with plenty of temptation and a steady diet of porn almost nightly when my wife is asleep.
      This has become my intimacy!
      My wife and I are like roommates.
      What do I do? I’m alone and lonely and sexually frustrated beyond belief! Never thought I’d find myself in such an uncomfortable situation. Love my wife, she is good to me, we are cuddly with each other and say we love each other, in spite of the reality, but we haven’t been a couple in a Long Time!!

      I find myself craving sex all the time, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up ending it or fuck around (and I don’t wanna be that guy) but I have my needs and 12 years without is ridiculous! I’ve heard women complain it’s been two months and I laugh to myself (try 12 years honey!)

        • Hahaha.. sorry I laugh but yeah. How can you survive a marriage without sex? Seriously?

          I m being depress too this past months since covid. I am 30 years old but feels 60’s for my sex life 😅 in 6 years of marriage we just had a few times being passionate and erotic. In those years i feel like I am the only one who initiates to make love, i had so many rejections too sometimes when I ask. I start to longed to feel wanted, long talks and kisses. I started to doubt my self and his love for me. We are both good together i know that he loves me but I just don’t understand why he can’t make love with me and sometimes when we try he is just losing it during the intercourse. I tried to be patient and gentle with him and console him, but deep inside of me I feel like being emotionally and physically neglected. I have been tempted to search it with other person who can make me feel alive again, but everytime i think of it, i say to myself, he have lost the intimacy with me, so I have to find the answers with him, he can only solve my agony not with another man.

      • I can relate. My husband and I had a great sex life while we were dating and he proposed to me right away. Months before our wedding the sex stopped and we never consummated our marriage either. It has been a little over 13 years now. I can not even get him to touch me in anyway. He says he dose not know why he can’t but he does love me. I have been hit on many times over the years and have never taken anyone up on their advances. It is very frustrating to go through life like this. I just smile and pretend life is great when the girls and I go out and they start the conversations about the little things that go on behind closed doors. I am glad I found this site because I honestly thought I was the only person in life going through something like this. I was starting to think it was me and was beating myself up everyday.

        • Don’t blame yourself, your just in a strange situation, I know cause I’m in the same situation. Between seeing beautiful women in public and porn to relieve my own needs…not sure where it will end up. Love my wife, don’t wanna do that to her, she deserves more than that from me….but how long can I last with No intimacy?

  12. i am also in very bad situation right now , no relationship no sex no love nothing , just he is working all day even after working hours or if not working he is talking with his staff and people all the time , even if we go out for dinner or just for walk he is talking all the time about work and business, well i am 31 and he is 17 year older than me , i have one baby , nothing at all 2 years gone , if i am trying to talk on that he is i m having stress , i am just so done with this f**king life .

    • similar situation here. We are two years apart. She is stay at home mom. We have a 16 year old-Boy. We had little sex since he was born. No interest in going to therapist. She very social but Dead-Bedroom. No explanation but surprised that i am so rude all the time. She simply does not get it on why I am so resentful. I moved to separate bedroom and gave her deadline to go to therapist by herself or together. I don’t know if she will do it but she asked me for two days. I love this woman but i am done trying to fix this relationship.

  13. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years. I would say in the last 10 years its been slowly dwindling to nothing. I try to initiate, ask, beg, cry, talk. His excuses are he’s tired and I can have it anytime I want it. But when I initiate he says he tired or turns the other way. He says he wants another child but does he realize sex is required? I’ve given him the cold shoulder, abstinence, been angry, and hateful as punishment to him. Only to realize I’m more hurt by it. So I go back to being cordial, a shell of my former self. When we have sex it’s great And we both enjoy it. So why ? I don’t understand. People think we have sex all the time and he’s soo lucky to have such a beautiful wife. Today, I am trying to figure out how to cope with my grief! How to cope with the loss of my sex life? I cry at how relatable everyone’s story is! I hate that we are all feeling so alone and broken by this!

    • This is 100% same story of mine but the only difference is I want a second baby and he doesn’t. But i am trying best to convince him that for a baby we need to have sex and we have no good sex life since past 6 years its like having sex once after 2-3 months or after 6 months. He is so smart he says I don’t kiss him or hug him etc so sex doesn’t comes into his mind. He doesn’t know why I don’t kiss or hug him cause i feel apart from him as he is not giving me sex and that is making me bitter. How can I go and kiss him with a broken heart? Whereas I need healing, he says ask me sex anytime cause I don’t ask since i am busy and then when i ask him he says what you telling me now to have sex we need time, mood, plans and i am not a machine that will start its own and i am tired etc. He gives nonsense excuses and that’s the reason i have stopped asking him for sex as i know i will be rejected again which will put me in depression and crying nights and whenever once in a blue moon we have sex is he is the one who tries it which is not in my count list even like sex after 2-3 or sometimes 6-7 months that’s insane if its on me i want sex every other day. When I was with my ex we used to have sex every single day. But now this man is starving me for sex. And he knows, he knows it but ignoring it Cause he knows i am a housewife and have 5 years old son where will i go. It breaks my heart ppl thinks i am beautiful young but no one knows what am i going through. My ex he is still wanting me badly but i am being a loyal wife.

      • Oh god I can relate to you.. and everytime i tried to talk to him about sex he is just coming up with excuses. It is really really frustrating knowing that we have high sex drive.. if infidelity is just easy. 😪

  14. My husband does not desire sex. He says it’s because he’s tired at night but he stays up late watching TV instead of coming to bed. He makes so many excuses when I call him out. We had our 4th child two years ago and that has been a somewhat valid excuse but now that he is sleeping through the night, I can’t believe it. Not to mention, years ago he went months without wanting sex. I suspect he was having an affair then (can’t prove 100% but he has a wandering eye) but he isn’t having one now due to lockdown. I do know he uses internet porn a lot and even when we were much younger, he would use porn over having sex. At 36 years old now, I am sick of it. Have been with him for 18 years and am wishing for better. We have 4 kids so are “stuck” but I am finding myself daydreaming about having sex with other men. I definitely can’t live like this.

  15. I’ve been in this situation for years. Before the birth of our first child my wife was enthusiastic and willing almost at any time. It had slowed from every day to once or twice a week as our schedules got busy, but it was still regular. After that, it dropped to almost nothing. She initiated for having further children, but required that those were strictly clinical encounters — tightly regulated and almost expressly dull, because of a belief that those types of sexual encounters would lead to the gender we wanted (no… they never did). Between pregnancies we were at once every three or four months. I kept waiting to see if she would initiate, and then eventually just initiate myself. And then she started refusing most of the time.

    At the same time, other affection changed. She stopped kissing me or made each kiss a “joke” kiss, where she would bite my lip or blow into my mouth or whatever. Hugs became “formal”, where she would essentially be patting me on the back rather than embracing me.

    Then came “transactional” sex. She said she would have sex with me if I lost a certain amount of weight. Then when I did, she changed the rules. Then she said we could have sex if I made an extra $10k at work. Always something that wasn’t entirely in my control, and would take months at least. She asked what I wanted and I said I wanted to know she wanted to have sex also. Her response? “Oh….” No “I’m sorry”, no protest that she actually does want sex, just, “Oh.”

    I found out later she still was watching porn at night. Ouch. She has a man willing to have sex with her, and she decides to watch porn instead. Exclusively.

    I could never go to a prostitute. While the physical desire is strong, I need an emotional connection.

    It’s not like I had a great — or, for that matter, any — sex life before I met her at 23. And, then our sex life, my entire sex life, was gone six years later.

    I don’t feel like a man, I don’t feel like an adult, and many days I don’t even feel human. It hurts when I feel any desire for her, because I know it means nothing. Every day tears come and I have to attribute them to the cold, or something in my eye. My heart feels like it’s inside an iron coffin in my chest, slowing constricting and grating into it.

    • I totally feel your pain. My wife and I went 6 years without sex or anything more than a perfunctory interest on her part in intimacy. I raised it with her which brought on tests snd then days later a huge row that led to sex two nights in a row, but that was a couple months ago and now it’s just reverted to the same old same old. I think we’re now in a final downward spiral before we separate. I still love her (and always will) and I know she loves me, but we aren’t happy together anymore as intimate partners. The damage of the previous withholding for me is always there. I think we need to find happiness elsewhere. Sad but true. Hopefully it’s amicable and mutually supportive

    • This is sad. 😪I feel the same when my husband prefer porn than me.. his friends says he is lucky for me, so I don’t know what’s wrong with him, it is just frustrating and heartbreaking.

  16. For me the problem started post marriage. Before then she would hardly turn me down and even initiated, it was fun and wild and coupled with her as a person i thought i had found the perfect woman. Post the nuptuals and one miscarriage, then the birth of our daughter 1 year almost to the date of the miscarriage which she was considered a high risk and their was no intamacy for the duration of the pregnancy and it never returned. At first i noticed sex during the week was faulting but on weekends she would be in a ‘giving mood’ then even that changed. Now i’m lucky if once or twice a month, and its very seldom her initiating and often she treats it like a chore. Our bed is apparently a place to just view social media roll over and go to sleep. If i try to be intimate i get such hateful looks you wouldnt believe, and though i have a drive that i would love to have sex everyday i am not unreasonable and would now try maybe 1 time a week now and often that is too much. It does hurt especially when i do still get attention from other women, but considering the vows i made before God in the church i feel trapped by obligation, plus we just build a lovely home together so financially we are tied. We have become more roommates and business partners than lovers. I always thought this would happen later in life like our 50’s but this has been my life for the last 8 yrs of marriage which occured when i was 27 and she was 29, our daughter is now 6.

    • C, I’m so sorry to hear your situation. Reading your story and the others really helps me to feel a little better, knowing I’m not alone in this issue. I have felt so embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. He’s NOT a person who is open to any kind of counseling, so for the past few years, I’ve just dealt with it.
      I’m at a crossroads with should I stay in this relationship or move on. I am in love and fully committed, but we are not married and I do not want to remain in a relationship with no intamacy or bonding connection.
      This is the first relationship after a very bad 8 year marriage. I waited until I felt comfortable to start dating, about a year.
      I have known my current boyfriend since high school, about 30 years. Although we had sex once after high school, we never seriously dated.
      I have always been very attracted to him, but have also been cautious about being in a serious relationship, because I did not ever want to lose his friendship.
      Once we crossed the intacmy line again, as adults, I was all in.
      In the beginning we had sex a lot. A few times a day, definitely a few times a week. As time went on it slowed down to once or twice a week, which was ok. Then slowly once or twice a month, and that’s where we have been for the past few years.
      I’m very frustrated, and angry and sad all in one. I love him so much, and respect our relationship, I dont desire being intimate with anyone else. Which is what brought me to this article. I dont know what to do. I want to be happy and mentally healthy and to figure out how to resolve this. I know there no magic buttons, or quick fixes, but just writing this, is helping.

    • I’m sitting here crying. Im 29 and my husband is 34. He has had 5 tbi’s and ever since his last one, he is just not the same person. Not only have we not fucked in years but he also has not touched me or anything. No foreplay, no butt grab, no nothing. We have been married just under 4 years. After his last tbi he just shut off completely. I am a very attractive woman with a super high sex drive. I have been physically painfully horny for so long now. It interferes with my daily life. I love him so much and could bever imagine leaving him. Hes amazing in all other ways. I feel so incredibly stuck and have been looking into chemical castration. I just dont know what to do.

      • I’m in a similar situation minus TBI. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

        I’m at the point in which I want out. I can no longer sacrifice my intimacy needs. I’d rather be alone than living in a marriage like this.

  17. I am so very sorry to hear about these sexless marriages and I blame our cultures in general. Constantly telling women that they are sluts or whores if they enjoy sex (even with their husbands). I refuse to listen to this stupidity and believe that women and men need sex until their dying days, its a natural part of life and healthy. Studies prove people who have sex regularly live longer and suffer less mental health issues than those who do not. If your partner is not great at it then learn what you both like together and there is no shame in it. Try different things, listen to sexy music and eat goji berries (proven to help libido for both men and women). I have been married for 18 years and still have sex 2 times a week and love it. I pray for all of you to find happiness and fulfillment with or without your spouses but do not stay in these marriages its not worth it.

  18. I read this and I hate to say it. We didn’t lose our sex drive its still there its just the excitement and temptations have gone and neither party has been both willing to work on it. Im not talking about just agreeing to do better I mean really trying . You have kids ? Great get an over night sitter . You have a low libedo or can’t get it up take stuff for it .. having sex for the rest of your life with that one person I’m sorry ppl r going to get board and if not kudos to the 2 percent out there who can still have sex like a teenager with the same person .

  19. I’ve been married for 23 years and we haven’t had sex even once. I’m 59 and still a virgin. I’ve been miserable the whole time and don’t know what to do.

    • What? Why have you stayed? I’m so sorry. You obviously suffer from low self-esteem. Have you seen a therapist? You need to first understand why you have tolerated this behavior. You are still young enough To change your life and find a partner that will fulfill you in every way. Best of luck to you.

  20. I have lost all confidence. I would say I’m an attractive women and still get looks from men. My husband is 15 years my senior, I have kept myself in shape and still nothing. My husband has not touched me in four years, not even foreplay.

    He has not even kissed me intimately. To the outside world he is the perfect husband and partner but I feel so unloved and alone. I don’t know what I have done for him not to want to be with me. When I raise the subject he gets angry and states he has lost his libido due to age, however, I struggle with that because it would not stop him having foreplay.

    I don’t know what to do.

    • Ella,
      I am in the same situation as you. I also am a very attractive lady and get looks from men all the time but my husband won’t even touch me. He’s 7 years older than me so im not sure if age has a part to play. I have a very high libido and extremely affectionate. He’s always tired even intiating sex to him feels like a chore. I don’t know how much longer i can keep up with the rejection tbh. Not that i would do it but i now see why women end up having an affair. It’s very hard.

      • Ella & Lilly,
        I am going through it too. We have been together for a total of 15 yrs married 12yrs. The last time we had sex was before we got married. All I get is a peck on the lips when he says goodnight. He has told me a million times he loves me but does not know why he can not get back to the intimacy like we had before we were married. I mentioned I joined this group because I was in shock to see I was not the only one married to someone and not having sex. I told him there was a guy in the group going through the same thing for the same amount of time that I have and he can not cheat on his wife. He just keeps waiting. I thought I was the only person who could stay faithful for that long and it amazed me how many descent, faithful people are in the world. He got jealous because there are guys in the group that are sharing their stories and replying to my situation with their own situation. I am so confused. He does not want to be with me intimately but gets jealous because I am in a group that has men in it. He thinks I am out looking to hook up with one of them. I told him I am also sharing my situation with women and he gets all freaked out.

    • Seeking answers for a friend’s dad. He’s been married about 30 years to a woman who hasn’t but a handful of times made love with him for the last 2 decades! They live together partially (he travels for work half the week). They share an adult child. She doesn’t want to talk about why she suddenly stopped having sex (I assume a past rape) and refuses to even talk about sex or get counseling. She may also believe sex is for procreation. He’s tried to rekindle things through the years and she rebuffs him. Key: THEY ARE ALSO BUSINESS PARTNERS. Divorcing would mean a messy breaking of businesses and division of assets (which are plenty). And according to him, they still love each other (care for). But there’s no more passion or emotional intimacy. She is not the type of age to even consider for a second separation or an open marriage, he says.

      Two questions for you all: Just how long could YOU be in his position before hitting your breaking point? 20 years?

      How likely would it be for you to cheat, either emotionally or physically if you stayed in such a predicament for so long without counseling? Personally, it seems inevitable.

      And do you feel cheating (emotionally or sexually) be justified in such a predicament? What would the alternative be (if divorce were made near impossible)?

  21. What if it’s your husband? We’ve now been married 10 years, together for 18 and right up until we got married, we had a healthy sex life. Since then, things have dwindled to non existent. A year ago, I set out on a journey to a better me and was in the best shape of my life. Sex did pick back up again, and I got pregnant with our third child. Once he learned that I was pregnant, sex stopped abruptly.
    Now, given birth two weeks ago, there has been nothing.
    It is ruining our marriage, especially since
    It is me wanting more and reasons why. Is it me? Is it that he has gone outside of our marriage? Should I leave?
    I am a woman that needs intimacy and sex.

  22. I have been in a sexless marriage for at least 19 years, my wife flatly rejection me sexually. This has been difficult with feelings of rejection, frustration and anger.
    We have talked about it and have tried to be more intimate but we can’t get past first base. After such a long period of rejection I no longer wish to have sex with my wife. I don’t see her as a sexual partner anymore. We get along responsibility well but there is that underlying tension.
    About 10 years without sex I started seeing prostitutes, I felt ashamed, bad, why had I come to this.
    I find myself seeking female friendships outside my marriage. As a human, as a sensual being, I cannot live in a marriage based on partner imposed sexual abstinence.
    I do love my wife, that my sound strange given what I have done. I am extremely unhappy in our marriage that I think of leaving.

    • Long-term rejection really does destroy your confidence…and it makes you angry and resentful. I spent a lot of time reading about sex drive imbalance in marriage and trying to learn how to resolve our problems, but its a one-way street when the other side thinks its YOUR problem. So then I started reading all the red pill MGTOW literature which made me start to hate females in general, but that is DEFINITELY the wrong way to go. My wife doesn’t need or want sex, so that’s her problem. I’m the normal one. I do not want to be further diminished by her disinterest in me (though she does love me as a partner in life, whatever that is worth). We are going to separate sooner or later and i would like to start over before I become too much of a needy weirdo.

  23. I am iin the same boat. 5 years ago sex started to slow down. 15 yrs in and my wife could care less about being intimate. She says I want sex all the time, but I only try once a month to be romantic to get her in the mood. 75% of the time she shoots me down and I am left feeling hopeless and unwanted. My self-esteem is shot and I would say we are lucky to have sex 5-7 per year. I am at a loss of what to do.

    • all the relationships I have had long term including 2 marriages have ended up sexless. me I would happy with sex daily. my first marriage we went 3 yes without sex. it seems women use sex as bait to get a man. I do not believe women need sex at all and they use it as a tool to hook a man. This will only result in destruction of a man’s self esteem. if women just realised that to keep a man we NEED good sex regularly not as a tool to get what you want. I believe women are wired this way. I was and am good at sex but as I said it is just bait. Sadly this marriage has followed the same trend. this is why there are affairs.

      • HA!! Have you seen how many women are commenting here? I am a reasonably attractive woman, with high sex drive.

        Its my husband who basically tricked me into marriage..
        I’ve had to beg plead cry, scream, threaten divorce, throw things, bargain, tried everything imaginable to “spice things up” kept in good shape despite three kids, and nothing.

        He has watched me for 7 yrs now on a downward spiral, as a result of this. Its like he gets a sadistic thrill out of control or something.
        There is definitely another side to this.
        NOTHING is more important to him than the almighty pornography.

        Its so pathetic, that I honestly despise him.

  24. I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now. Her reasoning is the change of life that started in her 30’s. We are mid 40’s, It is really putting a strain on our 19yr marriage

    • I cried on part 5 because it’s too relatable, especially when others girls are flirting with you more than your own partner, it just makes you feel like your unloved by your partner and loved by others better, I don’t think I do this much longer

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