older gay men suicide
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Suicide rates in the United States have surged in recent years, while in other countries the rates have fallen. Although this rise was particularly steep for women, it increased substantially for all middle-aged Americans, a group whose suicide rate had been stable or falling since the 1950s. This article will focus in particular on suicide in older gay men

Risk factors for suicide

A confluence of risk factors may lead to suicide, including: 

  • serious mental and physical health conditions including pain
  • access to lethal means
  • stressful life events including divorce or unemployment;
  • relationship issues
  • financial problems
  • trauma and abuse
  • suicide of family or friends.

Suicide in gay and bisexual men

The majority of gay/bi men maintain good mental health. However, compared to other men they are at greater risk for mental health problems.

There is a paucity of research in this area. Of note, however, is a 2002 study published in the American Journal of Public Health found that 12% of urban gay and bisexual men had attempted suicide, a rate three times higher than the overall rate for American men. Almost half reported multiple attempts. 

One common theme that underlies most successful suicides is a sense of hopelessness.

Predicament suicide

Some psychiatrists have described predicament suicide. In the absence of a diagnosable mental health condition but faced by circumstances from which individuals cannot find an acceptable escape, suicide begins to appear as the least worst option. 

A decision to come out in midlife might represent such a predicament. Older men may feel that they are sacrificing everything they once valued and that there is no one with whom they can speak about it.

Dr. Whitney Carlson, a Seattle-based geriatric psychiatrist said,

“Some individuals decide this is as far as they want the road to take them. Many of them are completely rational and accurate in their assessment of their situations. If they are lucky, they will cross paths with someone who can offer hope. For some, this does not represent depression but perhaps, rational choice.”

Some might consider suicide a logical choice for someone who has a painful, chronic and terminal condition when all hope for recovery has disappeared. Depression can be chronic and is extraordinarily painful. While it may seem hopeless, it is not because it is treatable.

Suicide in older gay men

Most research on suicide has been done on youth with an increasing emphasis in recent years on bullying, but very little research has explored gay, middle-aged men and suicide.

Several things account for mental health issues for older gay men:

  • Homophobia, stigma, and discrimination
  • Loneliness and social isolation
  • Lack of trust in healthcare providers
  • Lower income
  • Alcoholism and illegal drug use
  • HIV

One study found that the age of serious suicide attempts by gay/bi men coincided with major coming out milestones. At whatever age a person first begins to seriously question their sexual orientation, that conflict has been implicated in the lead up to the suicide attempt. When coming out milestones are reached at a later age, the first suicide attempt for gay/bi/questioning men occurred at an older age.

The impact of loneliness 

Loneliness is epidemic in the United States. It carries with it risks to our mortality. The mortality risks are comparable to smoking and alcoholism and exceed those of physical inactivity and obesity.

We have never been so connected with others through social media while at the same time remaining so isolated from face-to-face contact with others.  But loneliness and depression, while related, are not the same thing. 

The keys to fighting loneliness are identifying with a larger social group, having frequent and unplanned interactions with others, and having a chum with whom one can share the most painful of our conflicts.

Conformity to masculine norms

A recent study found that strict conformity to masculine norms had implications for negative mental health outcomes, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and poor body image.

The three characteristics most closely associated with poor outcomes were:

  • self-reliance
  • power over women
  • sexual promiscuity

Boys are taught to be self-reliant by gender police who continuously remind them to take it like a man when they transgress from this norm. For gay men, this is often accompanied by a sense of shame: I am bad, therefore, I don’t deserve help.

On the other hand, according to a recent study, highly traditional, masculine men (not admitting vulnerability, fighting, and not crying) were more likely to die by suicide than men who did not identify as strongly with such stereotypes.

The researcher stated, “High-traditional masculinity makes people’s coping strategies rigid, so when they’re under stress, they may not show that flexibility and adaptability of things like losing a job or a relationship.”

Other risk factors

A consistent correlation exists between suicide and race and socioeconomic factors.  Those from a racial minority or living in poverty have poorer outcomes and higher risks of successful suicide.

Many of the challenges that lead gay/bi/questioning men to consider suicide are not immutable. As more and more people have come out in recent years, social attitudes toward homosexuality have changed albeit with significant backlash.

One of the most necessary changes is to deconstruct the requirement for self-reliance and reconstruct a new sense of masculinity.

More content from this author: Body Dysmorphic Disorder: Obsession With a Flaw Interferes With Life

Getting help

Most gay and bi men can cope successfully if they have access to the right resources. Medications may be indicated particularly if there is significant insomnia or a failure to function in most areas of one’s life.

Counseling may be helpful but choose carefully. Therapists who are knowledgeable and affirming provide helpful therapeutic experiences. A good therapist will not impose their values on their counselees.

On the other hand, counseling from therapists who focus on changing sexual orientation or encourage hiding it is unhelpful and sometimes damaging. People who seek counseling from religious advisors who considered homosexuality sinful have a higher risk of suicide than those who counsel with affirming religious groups.


Care-seekers are often intimidated by their perception of an imbalance of power in the counseling relationship. But, remember, you have a right to interview the therapist about their attitudes and training before making a commitment to therapy.

Coming out is a process

As I describe in my book Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, coming out is not an event but a process. Not everyone has to come out to every person in every circumstance.

Having a supportive group of family and friends is very important. For those struggling with conflicts about sexual orientation, it is important to reach out to someone you trust who can offer hope.

When families are not accepting, developing a “family of choice” may be essential. The Internet has helped men isolated in rural areas or cultures with strong prohibitions against homosexuality, and it allows for an anonymous discussion of questions concerning sexuality.

Medications may be indicated particularly if there is significant insomnia or a failure to function in most areas of one’s life. Counseling may be helpful but choose carefully. A good therapist will not impose their values on their counselees.

Care-seekers are often intimidated by their perception of an imbalance of power in the counseling relationship. But, remember, you have a right to interview the therapist about their attitudes and training before making a commitment to therapy.

The bottom line

Suicidal thinking is a common but treatable problem in gay and bisexual men and boys. Choosing the right therapist is critical.


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This post was first published on June 3, 2017. The author reviewed and updated the post for republication on February 14, 2020.

Loren A. Olson, MD
Loren A. Olson, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist who obtained his medical degree from the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1968. He spent four years in the United States Navy as a Flight Surgeon. After his discharge from the military, he completed a psychiatric residency at Maine Medical Center in Portland, Maine.

Dr. Olson is a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His proudest professional achievement was the patient-nominated Exemplary Psychiatrist Award from the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

His clinical focus has been on the treatment of major mental disorders. His philosophy of treatment includes addressing biological issues, developmental experiences, and current life circumstances. He believes healing occurs when treatment is delivered with genuine warmth, accurate empathy, and unconditional positive regard for everyone.

He has received several awards for his writing. His book, Finally Out, won the IBPA Ben Franklin Award for BEST LGBT Non-fiction. Dr. Olson’s essays in Psychology Today have been accessed over one million times. He has also written for The Advocate, Huffington Post, Medium, and many other local and national newspapers.

Dr. Olson is married to his life-partner Doug, of thirty-four years. Before Doug’s retirement, they raised grass-fed beef on their farm in Iowa. He has two daughters and six grandchildren from his previous marriage. They all continue to expand their definition of family.

Dr. Olson considers himself to be an expert in retiring, “I’ve done it so many times.” During his current “retirement,” he continues to practice psychiatry part-time and writes extensively for various platforms. He is also writing a second book.


  1. This article enraged me.

    Anyone who spouts the anodyne statement of “call a suicide hotline” has never — in need — called a suicide hotline. They are beyond worthless. People who advocate such things are either parroting what they’ve heard other people saying before or are blithely fobbing the problem off onto someone else. As I have learned the hard way, no one cares. They just want you and your sad issues to go away.

    Don’t tell me that “I wish you well” or “I hope you get help”. They are as meaningless words as “thoughts and prayers”. Someone above advocated for euthanasia clinics, and that actually is a most rational and humane initiative possible. The medical professionals who run this site, as well-meaning as they may be, have productive and successful lives, both personally and productively. They clearly have no personal, lived experience with the complicating, compounding issues of age, unemployment, disability, financial precariousness, isolation and illness that form the basis of many middle-aged gay men seeking a rational release from life. If they did, these same professionals would realize that sometimes “more life” isn’t the answer; it’s just a forced continuation of unnecessary pain.

    I’m fortunate in that i have a barely-controlled clotting condition. All I need to do is remain in bed for a few days, not move, keep myself reasonably dehydrated, and I’m gone. No need for any complicated logistics. Just gone. I plan to do this the first week of December. I’ve wasted thousands of dollars on pointless therapy and pharmaceuticals and treatment. All they have done is confirm for me that the pain, misery and desolation of being an unloved, unemployed and unhealthy gay man is best solved by taking my exit in my own hands. Because honestly, more pablum from people like you is a woefully and almost cruelly useless offering.

    • Sorry to hear you’re feeling that way. I have experienced depression myself, and it’s awful to feel as though more life can only mean more pain. Like your only choice is between death and more suffering.

      I am not hear to give you unsolicited advice. The reason I’m posting here is because I’m writing from the other side of depression. So I relate to what you’re feeling – and simultaneously, I know that for me, things eventually got better. I’ve seen the same thing in people I know who have or have experienced depression – LGBT+ people and people with serious illnesses, too. The road to recovery can be rocky, but it is possible to make progress, even if there seems to be no hope. I am saying this not because I want to force you to stay alive to please other people. I’m saying this because I don’t want you to miss out on what’s possible, because I think you deserve a better life. You deserve better than a cruel choice between death and a life of pain.

      At the least, I want to let you know that you’re not alone. Someone cares.

    • You said, “the professionals who run this site clearly have no personal, lived experience with the complicating, compounding issues of age, unemployment, disability, financial precariousness, isolation and illness that form the basis of many middle-aged gay men seeking a rational release from life.”

      Please state your evidence for this assumption.

    • JT
      Let’s take a look at some of the things you wrote:

      • If you are not A-list beautiful, gay life is incredibly difficult unless you are super good looking with lots of money. If that guy who has been blessed with such physical beauty cannot be happy, how can I ever be? Gay life is exceedingly difficult.

      LAO: I have known a few A-listers, and most of them didn’t seem a bit happier than those of us who didn’t make the list. For most of us, the three ingredients that contribute to aging successfully are: good health, just enough income, and satisfying relationships with others.

      I do not know of any evidence to support the idea that more money makes people happier.

      If your standard for beauty is a porn star, you will be disappointed. Those men auditioned for their roles. They were selected for physical attributes. Many spend several hours a day in the gym. Photos are photoshopped. When you compare yourself to that magical ideal, you will feel like a failure.

      You are far better off if you decide what would make you healthy and set your goals for “physical beauty” accordingly.

      • He had an affair with a “hotter guy” and then left me, broke and almost homeless.

      LAO: Have you forgiven this jerk? The anger is still eating you up. Forgiveness is a gift you give someone who does not deserve it. To forgive him would not change his life but it would change yours.

      • I am happier being by myself, hanging with friends.

      LAO: As we get older, a good supportive group of friends is essential.

      • I would never support some twink.

      LAO: I have written a great deal about intergenerational or age-discrepant gay couples. Some older gay men believe that younger men who show interest in them are looking for a sugar daddy. Again, true for some, but not true for all. Many of these younger men are quite financially secure, and often have more income than the older man. These relationships can be very stable.

      • At 55, you are invisible, unless you are rich.

      LAO: This is the world that is often referred to as “the scene.” It exists. But I disagree that this defines all of us in the LGBTQ+ community. I think the eight old men that I get together with once a month (pre-pandemic) to play dominoes are just as much a part of the gay community as those who go to circuit parties. But no one is ever going to writes stories or make movies about us.

      LAO: It is true that older gay men become somewhat invisible. During the 1950s and 1960s (when I was a boy), a national hysteria about gay men as pathologic deviants who preyed on young boys covered the country. Seventy-five percent of the country believed gay men were more dangerous than communists. And gay men, out of fear, remained silent.

      During the HIV epidemic, ACT UP promoted the motto, Silence = Death. The same is true now. Older gay men need to raise their voices and be heard if they are not being seen. We need to join together to advocate for ourselves. Otherwise, we will remain invisible.

      • We have created a gay society completely based on sex, porn, money, and self-indulgence.

      • It only “gets better” for a select few.

      LAO: I would counter your comment with this: It only stays bad for a few.

      From a recent study:

      i. 90% of the responding singles stated they were seeking monogamous relationships
      ii. 92% percent of them expect to marry
      iii. Half of the men identified as being in long-term monogamous relationships

      As mature men, we can examine the values that society hands us. We can deconstruct those values and choose ones of our own making. I hope you will begin to take a look at them.
      You can read more of my writing at medium dot com/@LorenAOlsonMD

  2. I have to agree with Max Talent (above)

    I came out when I was a 17 as well, in 1983. Although it was tough to do, it was not the dark ages and I had no problem finding a gay scene in Denver Colorado. This was before AIDS swept through that part of country so the last days of the late 70’s sexual freedoms were still going strong, at least in Denver. Anyway, I learned very quickly that if you are not A list beautiful, gay life is incredibly difficult and lonely. I never felt lonely before I came out. I was very outgoing, had lots of friends, I considered myself to be above average in looks and I was masculine. But other than bathhouse sex, I rarely had a real date. I was single from the age of 17 to 21 before I met my first partner. We lasted 3 years, he had an affair with a “hotter guy” and then left me, broke and almost homeless.

    I never really recovered from that, I was single again for 7 more years. Second relationship lasted for 7 until I left because of his increasing emotional abuse, he was a very damaged person. I’ve been single now since 2004, I stopped dating in 2014. I have not had sex since 2014.

    I’m happy that younger guys have an easier time now in coming out, but I’m glad its not me, I would never want to go through it again. When you see these perfect, muscular, handsome gay porn stars blowing their brains out, you start to think “Wow if that guy, who has been blessed with such physical beauty can’t be happy, how can I ever be”. I found that I’m happier being by myself, hanging with friends and just not being part of the whole scene, but of course at 55 you are invisible (unless your rich) but I’m not, and even if I was I would never “support” some twink, at least I have that much self respect.

    Gay men kill themselves because of the gay society WE have created, completely based on sex, porn, money and self indulgence. Now that gay marriage and having kids is the new gay status symbol, its even worse. I’ve never questioned my sexuality, nor do I “hate myself” for being gay, but if reincarnation exists, and I have any say in it, I will ask to be a handsome, smart, straight guy. Perhaps it’s worse, I don’t know, but unless you are super good looking with lots of money, gay life is very difficult. It only “gets better” for a select few.

  3. I am 58. I have always been honest and attempt to see the world as it is. In order to spare myself and those around me any confusion or deception, in 1979 I came out at age 17 when I was still in high school. I have lived true to myself and have never had any illusions.

    At the same time, I have been depressed much of my life. There were times when I was able to cope better than I do now, and periods when it lifted. I do not drink, nor do I smoke or use recreational drugs. Prescription anti-depressants have never helped me.

    Five years ago, the organization I worked for closed after unjust government action. I have been unemployed since, despite many hundreds of job applications. Nobody is hiring men in their 50s. I had no choice but to sell my home and to move in with my very elderly parents.

    Frequently, I would like to speak with a psychotherapist, and have done so in the distant past, but as a conservative person, I discovered early on that most therapists are leftward leaning politically. Frankly, they do a very poor job of masking their contempt, listening selectively as they wait for an opportunity to pounce politically. Even though I am an atheist, our worldviews just don’t mix.

    I never married (male or female); I had a long-term relationship that ended in 2003. At my age, I am no longer interested in romance, sex or a relationship. I sleep or stay in bed 20 hours a day. My financial future will at some point require living in a car; yes, I had saved and prepared but have had to use that money to survive the joblessness.

    I think of suicide non-stop. When my parents have gone, I will act upon it. I see no reason not to act anymore. I have “re-invented” my career too many times; I have education and certifications, but they are never enough; yet another student loan at my age is foolish, as is more “follow your bliss” advice. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out and there can be no fixing things. I’d like to feel I beat the clock, just for once.

      • Michael,

        Dr. Salber has asked that I respond to your post. She and I are concerned about you. Your depression symptoms show clearly throughout your post, the most obvious one is a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness then clouds your thinking about the possibility of recovery.

        Obviously, you have experienced a lot of losses and disappointments in your life. Those are facts. Feelings are important sources of information, but they are not factual and they skew toward negative assumptions when you are depressed.

        You mentioned you “attempt to see the world as it is,” but I see the world differently. You gave us an important clue when you wrote that although you’ve struggled for much of your life, “There were times when I was able to cope better than I do now, and periods when it lifted.” That tells me that you can again feel better than you do now. When a person is as depressed as you are, they often feel that the way they feel is permanent, but your own life history tells us that isn’t true.

        Depression is cyclical. Even if you do nothing, the depression will lift. Although suicide appears rational to you, you do not need to feel the way you do. Depression is treatable.

        Anti-depressant medications have varying degrees of success. I often hear from patients, “Nothing works for me.” And yet, we usually can find something that helps. Often they haven’t worked because they weren’t taken long enough or the dosages were inadequate. At times, it means finding a “cocktail” of medications or using some of the older, less frequently used medications.

        Sleeping 20 hours per day is destructive. After 8-9 hours of sleep, additional sleep has a negative effect and actually leads to greater fatigue. Physical activity, on the other hand, doesn’t remove energy, it creates energy. It is important to set very limited goals to begin; perhaps walking a block three times a week would be a good place to start.

        In addition, isolating tends to leave time to “awfulize” your thinking. One negative thought leads to another. Then another. Even minimal interaction with others helps distract from that sense of hopelessness.

        Depression takes away one’s ability to experience pleasure, but also one’s ability to anticipate pleasure. Depression leads to magnifying the negatives (It’s too much work. I don’t have the right clothes. Nothing will work anyway so why bother?) and it minimizes the potential benefits. You need to approach these things like work, not pleasure.

        Plenty of research tells us that money doesn’t make us happy. After our basic needs are met, more money doesn’t lead to more happiness. Although your life isn’t want you thought it would be, isn’t what you sacrificed for, it can be more than it is now.

        But I also detect in your note a sense of hope. If you had no hope, you wouldn’t be reading articles like this. It is clear that you are searching for some answers, some way out of your despair. If you have no hope, borrow some from me. In fifty years of treating depression, and struggling with my own experiences, I KNOW that you don’t have to feel the way you do.

        • I’m sorry, but respectfully doctor, you are wrong. Having “hope” now makes me feel foolish, the way one does after buying a lotto ticket. Everything is so much worse. Despite submitting hundreds of resumes, and being “pro-active” (cliche alert), employers still reject a person older than 50, and certainly one who has been out of work four-plus years. Employers are more cruel about age than are snotty gay men on the prowl. When I was young, I suffered a serious back surgery which forced me to always find work that allowed me to sit-stand to avoid pain. Thus, I worked in private education. Over the years, however, wear, tear, age, arthritis, and stenosis, make even that sit-stand-lay solution impossible. I apply for on-line work, but five hundred unanswered resumes remind me that reality exists. On your advice, I went to a psychologist for the depression, and then a neurologist for the back, and applied for disability afterward but was turned down. After four years, I have no money coming in (less in savings after the doctor’s visits) no possibility for a job, and please, not yet another student loan when the old ones remain unpaid… All the years of resiliency, retraining, re-educating, and re-inventing (yet another What Color Is Your Parachute cliche) myself are backfiring in my face. Because I coped with depression and back pain so wisely and quietly for so long, ie., avoiding doctors and painkillers and doing the adult and responsible thing by not complaining, and by finding work that accommodated the problem; the result is nobody believes I have pain or depression because I went so long without care! So much for being a responsible adult, eh? How I came this far without becoming an addict or alcoholic, I have no idea, but each night I fall asleep actively imagining a heart attack and stroke to take me out. I flushed my blood pressure pills down the toilet. I informed my elderly parents that they might find me like this, but it upset them, so I pretend I am better and smile to spare them. And I don’t want money to buy happiness; I want a job. I’ve gone the volunteering route, retraining is financially and physically ridiculous, disability rejects me, employers reject me, I can no longer wait until I am 70 for Social Security. What am I supposed to do for the next twelve years? Instead of talking about “hope,” with all respect, perhaps you should take a bright page from cancer doctors and learn to tell people that a problem can’t be fixed, you face an un-ending humiliating dilemma that will cause you to suffer greatly, and that you may not make it. Frankly, we need euthanasia clinics; they speak the truth that cleanses.

          • I’ve been wrong before, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But I don’t believe I wrong in what I previously posted. I stand by it.

            You say “nobody believes” you have pain and depression. But that is not true. I believe you. But I also believe that you have not received adequate treatment for them. Depression feeds on physical pain, and depression makes the pain worse.

            Being turned down for disability doesn’t mean that they don’t believe you. I do any number of exams for disability and in the process review treatment records. If there are no treatment records, the examiner is apt to conclude, as I have, that treatment has been insufficient to make a determination.

            I cases where the facts are confusing, it is often necessary to be represented by an attorney. Some lawyers specialize in this area and will offer an initial free appointment for the first visit. They will know if your case has weaknesses and can make recommendations. If they feel you case merits, they will represent you with a contingency fee, i.e. a portion of any award you receive.

            I will never stop talking about hope. While some depressions are much more refractory to treatment than others, you need to be receiving regular treatment before you can say that yours is untreatable.

            Cancer doctors also speak of hope. Sometimes the disease is terminal, but the oncologists will still work to improve the quality of life.

            Even if we had euthanasia clinics, you would not qualify because your depression has not received adequate treatment. That is the truth they would speak.

            Depression distorts peoples’ thinking so that they see only the negative. They dismiss anything that attempts to contradict the symptomatic sense of hopelessness and despair.

            My intent here is not to minimize the real problems you face. My point is to suggest that I do not believe that all possibilities for improvement have been exhausted.

  4. Dear Max,

    Your self-hatred shines through clearly. You have described yourself as a gay man and then go on to state all of the things you see wrong with gay men. As one of us, you’re therefore applying all of these generalizations to yourself. And frankly, many of them are just wrong.

    What you have described may be true of some but your observations are certainly not true of all. Prejudice is based upon the law of small numbers, i.e. observing characteristic of a small group, elevating that characteristic to a “master status,” and then apply it to an entire population. It is the basis of all prejudice.

    You wrote, “Gay men have thousands of sex partners in their lives.” That would be a near impossibility for almost anyone. You went on to say, “Such people are not looking for love. Gay male relationships are universally non monogamous, so I don’t think gay men even know what love is.” Saying that gay male relationships are “universally non monogamous,” is absolutely an exaggeration. And I know many, many gay men who are capable of enduring, committed relationships.

    You said that my comment, “in order to find love one must believe one is lovable,” is a “meaningless cliche.” But how can you possibly expect to find someone to love when you think so little of yourself and every other gay man you might meet.

    I know that nothing I can say will change your mind. But your opinions are based upon life experience that is totally different from my own and most of the gay men that I know. But with your negativity and making your observations based upon observations from gay hook up sites probably means you will continue to be alone.

    I wish you the best.

    Loren Olsn

  5. Meaningless cliche’s of “in order to find love one must believe one is loveable” are totally irrelevant. Gay men have thousands of sex partners in their lives.Such people are not looking for love. Gay male relationships are universally non monogamous, so I don’t think gay men even know what love is. There is a mountain of literature by gay men where they refute the very motion of monogamy and how such “straight definitions” of a “marriage” do not apply to gay men. Gay hook up sites are littered with “couples” looking for additional partners. In all my years of living as a gay man I have not once met a gay “couple” that did not break up after a year or two unless they had just settled into being room mates who had sex with others.
    So, where does this leave gay men as they get older? Alone and lusting after men they have no chance of getting, and certainly not chance of having yet another “,romance,” with.
    It is no accident that professions that are creative are full of gay men. Their whole lives are s fantasy. They live in their heads. They break up when their fantasy of their partner being the man they want is shattered by reality. Facing the fact that one’s whole love life has just been repeated acts of masturbation , using another man as an object of a fantasy, is rather depressing, but it is not at all the fault of “society”.

  6. Dear Max,

    I consider myself an honest gay man, but I disagree with a lot of what you’ve written. Some might consider suicide a logical choice for someone who have a painful, chronic and terminal condition when all hope for recovery has disappeared. Depression can be chronic and is extraordinarily painful. While it may seem hopeless, it is not because it is treatable.

    Being gay is not a “lifestyle.” It is an enduring physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to people of the same sex. Many of the terms you used to describe gay people (fickle, cowardly, fearing intimacy, incapable of commitment, backstabbing, and obsessed with casual sex) are stereotypes. While stereotypes are always true for some, some people take these characteristics that are true for some and elevate them to master status. Then they apply them to all people in a category as if what is true for some must be true of all.

    Loneliness is epidemic in much of the Western world, but not just in the LGBTQ community. We have never been so connected with others through social media while at the same time remaining so isolated from face-to-face contact with others. But loneliness and depression, while related, are not the same thing.

    Your comments, Max, also reflect a number of stereotypes of aging people as being past their “best if used by date,” but aging carries with it opportunities we’ve never had before. But here is where I would agree with you: Unhappiness is our responsibility. We must come out from behind our computers to find it. Many older men have found long term relationships (LTRs) late in life, some with men much younger who appreciate their wisdom and experience.

    But to find love we must first believe we are lovable.

    • I am a gay man, I gave an accurate, honest picture of what I have experienced. I know you find it unflattering , too bad. It’s the truth.

      Anyone who doubts what I am saying is true can just create a profile on the many gay hook up sites and see what a total train wreck gay men are.

      Their unhappiness is a result of their own faults and their own choices.

  7. As an older gay male I am really tired of the propaganda blaming gay male depression and suicide on the rest of society. Let’s be honest, it is the gay lifestyle itself that causes depression. This gets even worse as one grows older.
    One simply can not blame society for one’s loneliness when one has had thousands of sexual partners. Let’s face it, young gay men have plenty of opportunities to meet other gay men. It is never societal pressure that prevents them from exchanging names or starting a relationship. It is always gay male fickleness. Gay males think the object of their desire is perfect before they have it/him, then worthless after they have it/him.
    I’d go so far as to say that this trait is inseparable from homosexuality, as I have notic Ed it in myself and every other gay male I’ve ever met. Gay males are also rather cowardly, reluctant to make a first move in the first place while also running in fear of any real intimacy. You simply won’t find a vgl young gay male with a web profile that says ” seeking LTR,. Nope, they feel their value in the sexual marketplace is too great, that they should not be asked to remove themselves from the market for anyone.
    It is only later in life, when no one wants them, that they will have a profile that says seeking FWB, or (gasp) LTR.
    A lifetime of reducing oneself to a cold sexual object is sure to take it’s toll. I knew several such people who couldn’t handle being over 40, and killed themselves, intentionally and through supposedly accidental overdose’s. I’ve seen the lifestyle destroy men in their 20s and 30s.
    Being young and attractive and gay will mean one will get a lot of attention. But it also means one will soon have given himself away too many times so that the attention ceases and shifts to a new face in the crowd. Those one hasn’t given oneself to will also be jealously attacked with backbiting and gossip.
    Any gay man who is honest will admit that what I have written is true.
    So, let’s stop blaming society ,our unhappiness is solely our own doing. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that gays do better when there is social pressure against them, for only then, when other gays are hard to come by, will they not throw each other away like used tissues.
    As for gay men that somehow stuck around past their sell by date, yes, unless you have an interest or hobby that is fulfilling for you, suicide is a logical choice. Very few gay men though, have such things these days .Gay culture, which is nothing but hook up web sites, porn sites, cruising locations, etc, have occupied virtually all of their free time, they even built their professional lives around it, choosing non demanding clerical and retail positions.

    • With Respect to Max- Though I agree with much of what you have said – there is a flaw here — that assumption that if we don’t agree with you that somehow we are not being truthful with ourselves. At that point your argument seems more reflective of judgement and perhaps some self-hatred….that you think we all share. I am lonely. This is true. But I have felt, in my life profound love have experienced other gay men who have shaped my understanding of myself and the world I live in – for whom I am forever grateful. That doesn’t change that I feel isolation (even surrounded by true friends) from time to time. But if wisdom has shown me anything – it is this (and I agree with you here) that I cannot blame my isolation or loneliness on society – because society is not responsible for my choices. However, because we do not all share the same histories, actions or behaviors. I’m am 57 – and like you have lost friends and have seen my sex life change, and dating life dwindle and a knowing the young gay kid in me is no longer alive. This adjustment is unsettling at best – But so many other things have changed in me….My expectations, my values, and what I find to be meaningful in life has also been part of the evolution. You paint the majority of Gay people as the embittered figure at the end of the bar – sitting alone – in despair and longing for a humane and friendly voice….this is true for some, but not for all. I believe everyone truly wants to be seen, heard, experienced. Recognized that we have lived and are alive. The negative things that face the aging population are not limited to gay men and each experience may have commonality, but are not necessary the same for everyone growing older. Finally — I truly take issue with your term “lifestyle” — What that mean? I have never understood this I have been in gay culture since the early 80’s…Apparently, I never got the rule book on this – is there a lifestyle? OR is there cultural and societal norms that change from generation to generation (gay or not)? Ultimately – the “Lifestyle of Gay people” is is a talking point of homophobes and boxes in everyones “life experience” as somehow being the same. IT ISN”T. For instance: You and I – though we have similar life events – have no doubt made different choices, taken different actions, and seasoned our wisdom from different perspectives – making us who we are now – we may not have lived the “lifestyle” at all like the other. Respect. My gay brother — Continued Peace, Love, and Success. JHI

  8. Being alone has taken the toll on me. As each day gets harder to face I know my time is limited. I fought a hard fight just wanting to have a partner but I was not given the gift of looks. And my big heart is not enough to to attract a great guy! How time does not cure a broken heart!

  9. I don’t know if anyone is still reading this, but I find this discussion very relevant to myself. I’m a 53 year old man in the central US, gay, very isolated and lonely. Most of my hobbies and interests, such as mechanical work and motorcycle riding, are traditionally “straight” things, so most gay men don’t find me interesting to talk to, yet straight men whose friendship I’d enjoy understandably put up a bit of a barrier when they find out I’m gay – much the same as they might feel uncomfortable getting too friendly with a single woman they’re not attracted to because they don’t want to create expectations of something they don’t want.

    When Michael mentions finding pleasure and fulfillment from within, I can understand this point, but this is somewhat dependent on having a significant amount of money. Yes, if you can buy nice stuff, take trips or enjoy having adventures, you can do a lot to salve over any negative feelings you might be having. I can see both sides of that because ten years ago I was better off financially than I am now.

    Relative to some of the advice given, if you can afford a therapist or have a friend who cares to listen, yeah, that probably helps. As for social groups, I’ve attempted to link up with, for instance, a gay motorcycle riding club in a distant city (because there’s nothing like this near me), traveling 250 miles in hopes of finding people with similar interests – thinking it might be fun even if I could only make it there a few times a year. What I got was a “who the hell are you” attitude that made me feel more lonely than I would have felt if I had been by myself. The ones at the top of the club pecking order all had fancy riding gear and $30,000 custom bikes. It was all of the BS of a gay bar, but just adapted to motorcycles.

    The main reason I’m writing this is in case someone similar might see it and we could possibly develop a friendship. But I’d be glad to talk to anyone who’d like to comment.

  10. Thanks Loren. I just saw your reply. I don’t disagree with your suggestions. I’ve found meaning in my work as an historian and have participated in social groups for older gay men and I have met men online. I go to a great gay therapist periodically with whom I am completely honest, including about my wish to find a way to end my life. What I don’t have is friends. I do try to interact with the men I meet, but they treat me like a sort of therapist as they describe their latest sexual escapades or unburden themselves to me in texts and occasional phone calls about their personal doubts and fears. They aren’t able to make me feel like i’m heard when I explain my feelings, though I don’t even hint at my suicidal thoughts with them. The more sane and balanced gay men I meet are coupled and understandably want to socialize with other gay male couples. They politely decline my social invitations. Without the prospect of sex, I can’t get any men to spend any time with me. I’m not going to have sex with men I’m not sexually interested in for the sake of getting a man to meet me. I still have some sexual desires but not for the men I meet. Strangely enough, these men express an interest in sex even as they let me know that they don’t actually find me attractive. They only want sex with me because I’m available. I have good health and might go on like this for years but I feel as if I’m finished with life. I’ve lived a full life in many ways, including having several meaningful sexual relationships..one lasted for 7 years. I’ve learned important lessons about being human and living in the world. I feel a sense of having completed the challenges of life and am grateful for those experiences. I see being able to choose to end my life as a reward for having made it this far. Am I just afraid of facing one more new challenge, namely, learning how to face the final stages of my life alone? I know that no one wants to face this reality, but I can’t see what I would gain by learning how to remain independent until I’ve reached some arbitrary age when it would be ‘acceptable’ to society for me to die. The prospect of mere survival isn’t enough. If there was a sure-fire way that I could end my life quickly and predictably, I’d go for it. It’s only the prospect of surviving any attempts that keeps me from trying. I don’t expect the world to change to suit me, but I can’t see how I could ever enjoy my place in the world. Thanks for providing this forum as a place where I can openly acknowledge my feelings.

  11. I think there can be times when suicide is rational, for example, when someone is facing a terminal, painful illness with no hope of recovery. Many of us would agree that a person suffering like that might justifiably begin to think of suicide as a way to end that awful pain.

    Loneliness and depression often occur together, but they are not the same thing, as I wrote in an article for Psychology Today called, “Loneliness is a Killer, ” https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finally-out/201712/loneliness-is-killer-why-dont-we-talk-about-it

    But loneliness and depression are not like chronic illnesses for which there is nothing that can be done. This is why, in these situations, suicide may LOOK rational but it is not rational because both conditions need not be permanent and, therefore, as hopeless as they appear. These conditions only APPEAR that they will go on forever, but if one can hold on and make some changes, the pain can subside.

    The three things one must do are:
    1. Become identified with a larger group – social, religious, political, Alcoholics Anonymous or anything that gives your life meaning

    2. Become a part of a smaller group with frequent, unplanned interactions – For older gay men, Prime Timers Worldwide, for example, often provides those opportunities, but there are many others as well

    3. Find a chum, someone with whom you can bare your soul and share your secrets. In some cases, it may mean a therapist, at least for a while.
    But what I detect in your comment, Matt, is a negative mindset that says, “I’ve tried all that. None of those things will help. It’s pointless.” It certainly can FEEL that way. But somewhere out there is another human being who is looking for you, too. But in order to find him/her, you must begin to believe that he/she is out there, somewhere.

    • I’ve done what you’ve suggested, Loren. Over and over. Time after time. In many cities and on multiple continents.

      And now I’m done.

  12. I think that suicide can be rational. I’m not depressed, but I have no desire to continue to live either. My friends are all far away and I have little in common with them anymore, the only sexual relationship available are casual/anonymous hookups, and I spend almost all my time alone. I’m ignored at gay social events or meet men who are deeply troubled and need far more than I could ever give them. If anyone cared about me or needed me in any way I might feel differently. I don’t see the point in struggling with my health and finances just to reach some arbitrary number of years. Isn’t it better that I control the circumstances of my death while I’m still able to do so?

    • I completely agree with this statement, particularly the second-to-last sentence.

      I often wonder for what reason(s) society has for keeping people alive who don’t wish to be. Do governments really need that marginal tax revenue? Is it to prove some theoretical point?

      If one is struggling and will continue to struggle, is staying alive just being done in service of some other person’s or society’s worldview? That doesn’t seem fair. If I’m living the struggle and I’ve personally had enough, it should be my choice when it’s time to go. I simply don’t think people who have their lives “in order” quite understand the pain of those who don’t.

      • I think suicide can sometimes be a rational choice, but I also know that most of the time it isn’t.

        If I ever have a painful, terminal illness, I’d like to be able to make a decision about how, when, and where that happens. And circumstances wouldn’t necessarily need to be as dramatic as that. Most of us who are old don’t worry about dying but we do worry about the circumstances of our dying.

        People who suffer from depression who’ve also had kidney stones, painful childbirth, or cancer, have told me that they would take those over depression any time.

        The difficulty is determining when it’s a rational choice and when the choice is irrational. I know that some who are depressed see the decision as rational but later when symptoms are relieved, they can see the error of their thinking.

        Most societies that support euthanasia agree that a doctor is allowed by law to end a person’s life by a painless means, as long AS THE PATIENT AND FAMILY AGREE. The point of this is not to take away the individual’s right to make that decision, but to have some input from a potentially more objective source.

        I have no objection to someone’s taking their own life providing their decision is not based on distorted thinking that can be treated and reversed.

  13. Michael,

    So pleased to hear. What all of us struggle with when we consider coming out are the stereotypes. We grow up surrounded by them and internalize them. Then we compare who we are to that standard, which results in a lot of guilt and shame. But shame doesn’t survive in the presence of those who accept us for who we really are. Safe travels.

  14. I found that as I got older that my greatest happiness came from within-I absolutely positively let nothing or no-one bother me. I go on vacations by myself, buy things for myself, enjoy things more than when I was younger; sure I would love to have someone, but then again, who’s to say that that’s the ultimate “prize”. I had a Fabulous doctor who helped me re-shape my thinking process an make it work more efficiently for me, to be happy, be more full of life, to love myself, because thats what really matter… I will be leaving on yet another adventure soon, I can’t wait… ))

  15. maybe you could use a picture of older gay guys to go with story. This is a big part of the problem in gay society. We cannot even have a conversation about older gays without the misrepresenting them with young gay guys.

  16. BWright and Michael O’Hanlon

    Dr. Salber has asked me to respond to both of you and I will do so. Both comments are very important and I want to answer them with a thoughtful response and that will take a bit longer than I have today. But the bottom line for both of you is that there is hope. Depression is treatable. The two most important things to find joy in later life are 1. Finding a sense of something that is meaningful to do, 2. Connecting with people who accept you.

    We’ll talk more about both in a later message. I also have some references to some other essays I’ve written, and at the risk of sounding like I’m promoting myself to much, some of these answers are in my book, FINALLY OUT: LETTING GO OF LIVING STRAIGHT. Chapter 11 is all about aging and how to get through it.

    Loren Olson

    • As promised, I want to respond to the previous posts from BWright and Michael O’Hanlon because these are important questions that I have been asked about many times. Neither of you are at all unique in what you have experienced.

      When I turned sixty years old, I also went through a difficult time for some of the same reasons you’ve mentioned. I had lost my mother, step-father, and a brother within six months, and some friends had died. I needed a knee and a shoulder replacement. My career had plateaued and I thought it was on the decline. I had some difficulty with erectile dysfunction. All I could see for the future was a series of continued losses.

      Then after I spoke in Houston, a man raised his hands in the air and said, “I’m 82 and this is the best time in my life.” I thought, What does he know that I need to know? One of my favorite sayings (sometimes attributed to Buddha) is: Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. In other words, I couldn’t change the fact that I was sixty and that I had experienced many losses, but I was suffering because that was all I could think about. I began to re-focus my thinking on age as an adventure with opportunities I had never had and may not have again.

      One of the “opportunities” is the power to re-shape our thinking. We can deconstruct an old, outdated value system and develop a new one consistent with the person we believe that we are, not one based on others’ expectations of us. I wrote about it in this essay in Psychology Today.

      Sometimes we think of coming out as an event, but it is a process. I don’t believe we must come out to everyone in every circumstance. Being honest about our sexual orientation is liberating for us personally but it can damage relationships that are important. BW, since you’re 65, your parents must be in their 80s. They lived in an era when gay men and women were sent to prison and considered deviant and predatory. Coming out to them may have unintended consequences for them and for you. I appreciate your wish to be honest with them; they may even already suspect it. But once it is out in the open, it demands a response, and you have no control over what that response might be. You have been considering this for years; they only just would begin to think about it.

      In considering a decision like this, where risks and outcomes are uncertain, we tend to magnify the negative and minimize the positive. It is certainly possible that your parents might respond, “We love you anyway you are.” But there is no guarantee. No optimal decision exists, but each of us must decide for ourselves what is a satisfactory resolution, how far and to whom to come out. You have already experienced a lot of losses. Do you wish to risk the loss of your parents’ support at a time when you really need some?

      Financial and medical problems are one of the major source of difficulty for us as we grow older. I’ve been both poor and financially secure, and I can tell you that financial security does not guarantee happiness. I am absolutely convinced that happiness during our later years depends primarily (after our basic needs are met) upon having something that gives your life meaning and having friends (gay or straight) who accept us as we are.

      Doctors are just people and we are as diverse as the rest of the population. Two things are critical: he/she is well-trained and that you feel you connect with them. Men less than women talk about their depressions, but a good doctor is one place to start. All medications have risks and the more meds you take, the higher the risks. A doctor cannot possibly remember all the drug interactions and less frequent side-effects. Patients must advocate for themselves. A good place to check for drug interactions can be found here. I refer to it frequently when I treat patients. Having a companion go to your medical appointments with you will also result in better medical care.

      Many of the things you mentioned, BWright, are considered “non-specific symptoms,” meaning they could be attributed to many things. Depression could account for some; medications for others. And there are other possibilities as well. This can make treating them somewhat complicated, but treatment is possible once the cause(s) are discovered.

      Struggling with prostate problems and erectile dysfunction (ED) are indeed a potential curse/pain but don’t suffer needlessly. See your doctor about the prostate problems. While medical problems and medications can cause some of the problems related to ED, often the problems are psychological, too. At the first sign of some difficulty with erections, men often begin to worry that they are losing their ability to function sexually, and then the worrying about the problem becomes an even bigger problem. I have addressed this in Finally Out Tips. But important research shows that while sex drive, ejaculation and erections may diminish as we age, sexual satisfaction can remain constant. The important message is that good sex does not demand that we have a world-class erection!

      Suicide sometimes begins to seem rational when faced with a serious predicament, but it is a permanent solution to what in most cases is a temporary problem. I can’t tell you what the solutions are, BWright, but I can tell you that I believe there are solutions although sometimes finding them can be painfully slow.

      Having the right persons to talk to is critical. Your primary care physician can be a good one, but is important that your doctor accept your sexual orientation. If your doctor doesn’t know or doesn’t accept your sexuality, he/she will give you bad advice. Here is a resource for finding a supportive health care provider. Younger physicians may be more open and affirming about sexual orientation, but not necessarily. The same things hold true for finding a supportive counselor. The Association of LGBTQ Psychiatrists also has a referral directory.

      Michael, most of us who are older have had the experience of either feeling we were sitting on the sidelines in the LGBTQ community or have been invisible to them. For many of us, dancing the night away and drinking excessively has lost its charm. We need gay spaces, where we can talk together and hear each other. Many larger communities have options for that. One international organization that provides these opportunities is Prime Timers Worldwide, with about 80 local chapters; they also have an independent group for those who live too far away from chapters. Another online resource to find connections is on Facebook, which also might be a good place for you, BWright, to find someone to chat with.

      I would also like to try to dispel a myth about younger/older men. Not all young gay men who like older men are looking for a “sugar daddy” to take care of them, and not all older men who like younger men are looking for a “trophy partner.” Age can be a factor in sexual orientation. I would take exception to your young friend’s statement “younger faeries often band together to defend themselves.” Older gay men are not predators, at least the majority, and young “faeries” have nothing to protect themselves from; my husband is fifteen years younger than me and we’ve been together for thirty years. And many of these younger men who like older men, prefer to be in the presence of older men, as one said to me, “I like older men because they have rounded corners.” We do have a bias in our culture and a focus on youth, but part of that is because those of us who are older have not raised our voices and said, “Hey, I’m queer, too. Notice me!”

      Gay, straight or other, ageism is a factor because of stereotypes. Stereotypes exist in a world of “those other people.” They exist when one outside group attempts to define another. One characteristic of the “other” is elevated to master status and generalized to an entire population; it is the basis of all prejudice. But we are also the victims of those stereotypes because we have internalized them, too. If we believe that as older gay men and women we’re on a period of decline to nothingness, we are our own victims of the stereotype.

      I am 74 now. When I was young, 74 was considered very old. But now, I am considered a survivor, and I have a life expectancy of another 12 years. I feel an urgency of time, but it allows me to choose to do things I really want to and not do other things that I once thought I had to do. I have moved things from my bucket list to an un-bucket list. I no longer feel pressured to climb the ladder to the top. I don’t go to cocktail parties unless I know I’m going to like the people who are there. I don’t need to “network,” to find people who can move me further up the ladder. I don’t sit through boring lectures. I don’t read lengthy essays unless they really have something important to say. I hope you’re still reading this one. Make this the best time in your life.

  17. as an older Austrlian man who came out in his 40s my early expreices of queer culture were largely postive as I marvelled about how men formed relationships across ethnic and age barriers . I have recently tuned 60 and I find myself becoming more and more invisible in the youth obsessed English speaking cultures I know. Thankfully this is not the same in Latin and Asian countries or even in Europe generally.

    At a number of recent events even some of my younger close gay friends ignored me in the pursuit of the younger prettier and more mobile.
    These events have included radical faery gatherings festivals and social weekends despite making a considerable effort on each occasion in such ways as cost sharing cooking, volunteer working transport and or teaching for free

    i asked a younger fairy friend about this -he said younger faeries often band together to defend themselves from unwelcome sexual attentions from older faeries

    have you considered depression in older gay men is caused by rejection and /or ageism in the gay community

    regards Eureka

  18. This hit the nail on it’s head.. At 65 years of age my mental being is reshaping . On one hand I wish to announce to my parents that I am and desire to become gay, on the other hand I wish not to disclose my feelings for the fear of being totally rejected or disinherited. I got trapped in the finance crisis and lost a 30 year old business and then my home, after that my health unexpectantly took a turn. I lost my hearing over night at 55, within the time frame of the business and home loss. I was left with out Insurance coverage , I had no income and was denied both unemployment and disability! The stress of that led to HBP and health issues. I had to resort to the state’s Medicare for low income. I also had to take a early retirement to draw the SS at 62. A loss of about $550 to $700 per month and that was ordered because of SSI. I am thankful having my vehicle paid for before this happened and my living contents, but downsizing including selling personal items at a great loss. I can not take another form of work/employment because of my hearing and now HBP related medical issues. My cardiologist treated me lake a free clinic street person and prescribed medication that made matters most with side effects including depression, weigh gain, insomnia, weakness, and non energetic. Only through an ER visit the attending ER doctor asked what meds I was prescribed, after unveiling the meds, He said “this meds are killing you ” Thank god that called for a different primary Care doctor, with his guidance I am recovering . NOW it’s the man curse of the prostrate and ED. which is even more depressing ! So I have not ruled out suicide and think about it often, I can not bare the thought of hurting my parent or my brothers as well some friends. This message really acknowledge that yes there is a MAJOR issue among the older gay/bi/trans/ community. The problems of just surviving living accommodations, food, medical services and medications is overwhelming at times.. But importantly having the right person to just talk to !


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