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What is the anatomy of a good doctor? How can you find a physician who heals with the head, heart, hands, and human instinct?

When you’re sick and scared, the sea of information on the Internet about your disease can be overwhelming. What can you believe? Now more than ever, patients need to feel empowered. They need a compassionate interpreter who can distill the world of Google and WebMD into something understandable, manageable and relevant.

They also need someone who will advocate for their best interests in a system that isn’t always set up to put them first. This is true whether those interests mean intervention, watching and waiting, or simply providing a listening ear. I’m on a journey to find these physicians, to share their stories with you so you know what to look for in a good doctor.

I’ll start with Rick Flinders, who was a year ahead of me in my family medicine residency. I remember his kindness, patience, and compassion with everyone, and especially for patients.

A family physician who heals with his heart

Rick Flinders Headshot 342 x 362One day, Dr. Rick Flinders was doing his normal morning rounds at Santa Rosa’s Sutter Medical Center. As a family physician, he sees a wide range of cases. He reviewed his patient roster for the morning: an older woman with a broken hip, a middle-aged man recovering from a heart attack. Then he paused. Next on the list was a 26-year-old woman with end-stage heart failure. He knew who she was before even looking at the name.

Jeannie had been in and out of the hospital dozens of times due to a meth habit that started when she was 13. Over time, due to her chronic use, she’d developed end-stage toxic cardiomyopathy—a major deterioration of the heart muscle.

He walked into the room and looked at her, lying quietly on the bed. She was thin and fragile, with a ballerina’s delicate features. “She was a dead ringer for my own twenty-six-year-old daughter and exactly the same age. They could have been twins. There’s this girl dying of heart failure, and she looked just like her,” Rick remembered.

This could be my daughter

Rick turned to his resident, who accompanied him on training rounds. “This could be my daughter,” he said.

The resident nodded, knowing Rick had a grown daughter but not fully grasping the gravity of his words. Rick’s daughter had recently emerged from a cocaine addiction—a hazard of work as a career ballerina who needed to stay relentlessly thin. She was a year sober.

Rick met the gaze of Jeannie’s mother, who was standing at her bedside. She’d been through this many times before.

“At that moment,” recalled Rick, “I could imagine what this mother had been through, and couldn’t help but feel her grief and her pain. And I had to tell her that her daughter was probably going to die.”


Jeannie didn’t die, though. She was released from the hospital and made plans to live with her mother and move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. At that point, her boyfriend had become little more than a drug buddy.

Her mother welcomed her home, and slowly Jeannie regained her strength. With Rick’s guidance, she enrolled in a rehab program and got one month sober. Then two. Then three, four, and five. At six months, she was strong enough to be considered for a cardiac transplant, so long as she tested clean.

 Rick thought of his daughter, who had resumed her successful ballet career. Jeannie could make it, too. He kept in touch with her mother regularly, who reported that Jeannie was doing well and had cut off contact with her drug friends and had broken up with the bad boyfriend. She was ready for a transplant and committed to her sobriety.

He began to put paperwork in place for her to undergo surgery, provided she continued to pass her drug tests.


Then, at six months sober, on the brink of surgery, she relapsed.

“We deal with this every day in medicine. Multiple heartbreaks,” said Rick. “There were so many feelings that I went through, as a father, from my own experience. I struggled to keep my professional demeanor.”

Jeannie slipped into the grueling cycle of sobriety and relapse, sobriety and relapse again. She landed in Rick’s hospital several times over the next two years, weaker and frailer each visit. 

Giving the bad news

Each time, Rick hoped she’d get six months sober, enough time to get a heart transplant. Maybe then she’d turn her life around. Maybe then she’d have another chance. “With each success, I got my hopes up,” said Rick. And each time she returned to the hospital, he was crushed.

Two years later, when he walked through the door to see Jeannie again, he dreaded what he’d have to tell her mother: Her surgery had been denied. There were too many relapses, too many false starts and hopes. She wouldn’t get a transplant.

Instead, he sent Jeannie home for hospice care, and he made a final house call before she died.

A good doctor applies his own life experience to his patients’ needs

“We need to understand the boundaries of the doctor-patient relationship, but also the power of that relationship,” Rick said. “The power is that we are human. It was a challenge not to act like Jeannie’s father, but it was important that I could talk to this mother as a parent.”

It was easier for Rick to transcend the traditional doctor-patient relationship thanks to his personal connection with Jeannie’s illness. This isn’t the case for many doctors because we’re not taught about narrative medicine. We’re not taught how to reasonably filter and communicate our own experiences to soothe a patient’s mind or help them sort through options specific to their lives.

Sometimes a patient asks, “Who would you send your own child to? What would you tell your mother to do?” This prompt is important: We need stories that humanize us. The problem is, this type of conversation isn’t taught. We’re taught how to catheterize a coronary artery. We’re not taught how to relate to people.

Related Content:  Trust is the Essence of the Doctor-Patient Relationship

Doctors are always in a hurry

“Everything in our profession augurs against reflection and personal attention,” said Rick.“I like to ask my residents: ‘When’s the last time you weren’t in a hurry?’ Often, they can’t remember. I try to explain to them that the quality of our lives diminishes in accordance with how fast we move, think and act.

Sometimes, as doctors, we HAVE to move fast (and we better know how). But most of the practice of medicine is not an emergency. Hurry becomes an involuntary habit, not a conscious choice, and our patients are the first to notice. We’re in such a hurry when seeing patients, we’re almost afraid that the patient is going to tell us something meaningful that delays us from moving on to the next one.”

Doctors do have a trick for making patients feel like they’re getting more attention. They sit down. “If a doctor is sitting, patients overestimate the time spent by a factor of two. It conveys a different message,” said Rick. He encourages residents to close their charts (or computers) for a moment and have a seat, putting the chart deliberately out of reach.

Related Content:  Getting Your Doctor to Really See You

Good doctors ask unscripted questions

Then, he suggests asking the patient “an unscripted question”—not about his health, but about anything. Family life. The news. A hobby.

“In our program, we call it Ascriptus Humanis, and we include it right there in the patient’s history. We didn’t invent this; we got the idea from Atul Gawande.”   

So often, doctors become mythologized as fleeting magicians who barely have time to sit down and speak, let alone to heal, a byproduct of a system that requires speed.

“What patients want more than anything else is our attention,” said Rick. “The experience of having their story heard is part of the healing, part of the therapeutic part of the relationship.”

How do you find a physician who heals with the head, heart, hands and human instinct? Start with your story.

Related Content:  What to Do When Your Doctor is Distracted

Go for it

Rick asked his daughter for her thoughts on this article before I published it. She replied, “Go for it. Absolutely. I trust you and am all for writing and speaking truth. You got my go-ahead.”


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Margaret Cary, MD, MBA, MPH
Margaret Cary, MD, MBA, MPH AKA Dr. Maggi, graduated from the University of California, Santa Barbara with a degree in zoology and a minor in polo. She exercised up to 23 polo ponies/day to put herself through college. Her MD is from Baylor College of Medicine, her Master’s in Public Health (MPH) from UCLA, and her Master’s in Business Administration from the University of Colorado, Denver. She completed her Family Medicine residency in Santa Rosa, through UCSF.

From an emergency room physician in a ski resort, Dr. Maggi has worked in nearly every aspect of health care, landing at her current post as CEO of The Cary Group Global. The Cary Group Global provides executive and leadership coaching and consulting to executives in health care and film and television production.

Dr. Maggi graduated from Georgetown University’s Leadership Coaching program and holds a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) credential from the International Coach Federation. Her clients include

• Mayo Clinic,

• AMIA (American Medical Informatics Association),

• University of Massachusetts Medical School,

• Bon Secours Health System,

• Yale School of Medicine

• Weill Cornell College of Medicine,

• Georgetown University School of Medicine,

• Dubai Medical College,

• and other academic medical centers and research organizations.

Dr. Maggi is an expert at facilitating others’ learning, from medical students to health system CEOs. Her client base consists of C-suite executives to VPs and department chairs, both new and experienced. She developed and led the Community of Champions, the national physician leadership development initiative at the Veterans Health Administration.

She has held many executive posts and practiced medicine in Santa Rosa and Mammoth Lakes, California; Denver, Colorado; London; and Kendal, UK.

Her research for Telemedicine and Telehealth: Principles, Policies, Performance, and Pitfalls (The Lancet’s review) led her to the realization it’s all about the people, the relationships, and asking questions. Her passion project is A Whole New Doctor, a leadership development and coaching program for medical students, staffed entirely with volunteers. A Whole New Doctor serves medical students from Georgetown University School of Medicine, Penn State College of Medicine, University of Nevada, Las Vegas School of Medicine, University of Virginia School of Medicine, Howard University College of Medicine and Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine.

Dr. Maggi is adjunct faculty at Georgetown University School of Medicine and has taught at the Harvard Macy Institute. She coaches TED Fellows and Global Good Fund Fellows and leads nonfiction writing workshops.

In addition to being a contributing author for The Doctor Weighs In, Dr. Cary also serves on the TDWI Editorial Board, where she medically reviews articles submitted for publication.

She is intellectually curious about nearly everything, a lifelong learner, animal lover, gardener, and always ready for adventure.


  1. Great post but I really wanted to just drop a comment on your blog. Your blog has a super cool design. Is this wordpress by chance?

  2. I actually just lucked into two such Drs. The 1st was my PCP for ten years in Charlotte. He took the time to ask lots of questions, he was very caring when our son died,and kept encouraging me to practice healthy habits. He was kind, very skilled, and so empathetic, yet lighthearted enough that we had plenty of humor. He managed to get through a 20 min appointment addressing everything important, yet hearing about my personal life & sharing some of his. When we moved across the country, I thought I’d never find another like him. But I did. The 1st Dr. I chose in our new state & town wasn’t right for me. I stuck with him for 2 years, but there was no rapport & my visits were so clinical that I’d leave feeling slightly confused & not terribly cared for. So I searched again, & found another Dr. had recently moved to our area, & his reviews were good, so I decided to try him out. And at the first visit, I knew I could work with him. I have a few chronic issues, so I need someone who is not only helpful with managing my meds & general health but also someone who can refer me to good specialists. Right off the bat, he zeroed in on the fact that I had some lab numbers with my former Dr that warranted watching. At the next visit, he sent me to specialists, & sure enough I had some things that needed continuing attention & care. But the main thing is that from the first visit, I felt completely comfortable with him. I felt relaxed & that I could talk to him about anything. He sits down next to me at a desk & we look at computer data together. And throughout a visit, we have a personal connection, just little quick snippets of fun things, a few laughs. He knows that I love to work in the yard & make pottery, I know that he loves to travel & that he enjoys scuba diving & skiing. He is a D.O. & takes lots of time to really examine me, hands on, & lots of questions. It was helpful to me that when the rotator cuff that required surgery a few years ago started acting up again, he recommended physical therapy instead, & shared that he had that operation 3 times & still has problems… so he’s not opting for more surgery. I made the decision to go with the PT & it really helped. When my BP numbers were crazy, I discussed an addicted family member & how stressful it is to me, he shared that he had one in his family, too, and how he dealt with it. We talked about those awful phone calls! It’s also noteworthy that every other Dr he has recommended have also been excellent at both their fields and at patient engagement and comfort. I think that to find the right Dr., it’s important to look around & read reviews, and also go by recommendations from friends. Not everybody needs the kind of Dr. I do, but to me it works best if he/ she is like a professional buddy. He works with me, and doesn’t ever condescend or make me feel that I’m asking too many questions. He encourages that. Both he and my other Drs, even the specialists, are fond of teaching and explaining things, & I’m very curious. I have learned so much from all of them. The nice thing is that some things I have pointed out or said, occasionally have been met with, “well that’s a very interesting reflection. Thanks for sharing that, it helps, & I could use that with other patients.”

  3. There is very little room for judging the anatomy of a good doctor in today’s system. As the payers gain control of outcome driven medical care, the physicians, providers are trained to go through the day providing “ medical care” to the most patients they can. Sitting down, hows your hobby is a facade, the patients need to have total care and not sent out for unnecessary tests, scans because there is no time for the good doctor to listen, do a complete adequate physical exam and put things together. It’s not rocket science. Until medicine figures out how to take back the reins of medical care, we will see continued erosion in the daily practice of “medicine”in my humble opinion.


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